Things God Won’t Ask You

  • God won’t ask what kind of car you drove, He’ll ask how many people you drove who didn’t have transportation.
  • God won’t ask the square footage of your house, He’ll ask how many people you welcomed into your home.
  • God won’t ask about the clothes you had in your closet, He’ll ask how many you helped to clothe.
  • God won’t ask what your highest salary was, He’ll ask if you compromised your character to obtain it.
  • God won’t ask what your job title was, He’ll ask if you performed your job to the best of our ability.
  • God won’t ask how many friends you had, He’ll ask how many people to whom you were a friend.
  • God won’t ask in what neighborhood you lived, He’ll ask how you treated your neighbors.
  • God won’t ask about the color of your skin, He’ll ask about the content of your character.
  • God won’t ask why it took you so long to seek Salvation, He’ll lovingly take you to your mansion in heaven, and not to the gates of Hell.
Posted by Greg in Thought Provokers, 0 comments

Things My Mother Taught Me

  • My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
  • My mother taught me RELIGION. “You’d better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
  • My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
  • My mother taught me LOGIC. “Because I said so, that’s why.”
  • My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. “If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
  • My mother taught me FORESIGHT. “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
  • My mother taught me IRONY. “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
  • My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
  • My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
  • My mother taught me about STAMINA. “You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
  • My mother taught me about WEATHER. “This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
  • My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. “If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”
  • My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
  • My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. “Stop acting like your father!”
  • My mother taught me about ENVY. “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”
  • My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. “Just wait until we get home.”
  • My mother taught me about RECEIVING. “You are going to get it when you get home!”
  • My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”
  • My mother taught me ESP. “Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”
  • My mother taught me HUMOR. “When that lawnmower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
  • My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
  • My mother taught me GENETICS. “You’re just like your father.”
  • My mother taught me about my ROOTS. “Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
  • My mother taught me WISDOM. “When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”
  • My mother taught me about JUSTICE. “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”
Posted by Greg in Thought Provokers, 0 comments

Ads That Don’t Quite Work

  • Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
  • Dinner Special — Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
  • For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
  • Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
  • No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
  • Great Dames for sale.
  • Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
  • Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it!
  • Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
  • Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
  • Stock up and save. Limit: one.
  • Save regularly in our bank. You’ll never reget it.
  • Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
  • Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
  • Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere else again.
  • Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.
  • Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
  • Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
  • Mother’s helper–peasant working conditions.
  • Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
  • And now, the Superstore–unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
Posted by Greg in Thought Provokers, 0 comments

The Lecture

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

“What are you doing out here at 2:00 in the morning?” said the officer.

“I’m going to a lecture,” the man said.

“And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?” the cop asked.

“My wife,” said the man.

Posted by Greg in Thought Provokers, 0 comments

Bloom Where We Are Planted

“May we never forget the crippled, wind-beaten trees, how they, too, bud, green and bloom. May we, too, take courage to bloom where we are planted.” – Br. David Steindl-Rast

Posted by Greg in The Book of Taunt, 0 comments

An Investment in Knowledge

“An investment in knowledge always pays the best interest.” – Benjamin Franklin

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Falling Apart

“A Bible that’s falling apart usually belongs to someone who isn’t.” – Charles Spurgeon

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Feeling Gratitude

“Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.” – William Arthur Ward

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Go Outside

“When life feels too big to handle, go outside. Everything looks smaller when you’re standing under the sky.” – L.R. Knost

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Answering Email is Not Our Work

“Email should be something that helps our work, rather than a tool that controls us. I don’t want my tombstone to say: ‘Here lies Jocelyn K. Glei, she checked all her emails.’ It sounds a bit underwhelming doesn’t it?” – Jocelyn K. Glei

Posted by Greg in The Book of Taunt, 0 comments
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