20 Ways to Confuse Santa Claus

  1. Instead of milk and cookies, leave him a salad and a note explaining that you think he could stand to lose a few pounds.
  2. While he’s in the house, go find his sleigh and write him a speeding ticket.
  3. Leave him a note explaining that you’ve gone away for the holidays. Ask if he would mind watering your plants.
  4. While he’s in the house, replace all his reindeer with exact replicas. Then wait and see what happens when he tries to get them to fly.
  5. Keep an angry bull in your living room. If you think a bull goes crazy when he sees a little red cape, wait until he sees that big, red Santa suit!
  6. Build an army of mean-looking snowmen on the roof, holding signs that say “We hate Christmas” and “Go away Santa.”
  7. Leave a note by the telephone telling Santa that Mrs. Claus called and wanted to remind him to pick up some milk and a loaf of bread on his way home.
  8. Throw a surprise party for Santa when he comes down the chimney. Refuse to let him leave until that huge cake arrives.
  9. While he’s in the house, find the sleigh and sit in it. As soon as he comes back and sees you, tell him that he shouldn’t have missed that last payment, and take off.
  10. Leave a plate filled with cookies and a glass of milk out with a note that says, “For The Tooth Fairy. :)” Leave another plate out with half a stale cookie and a few drops of skim milk in a dirty glass with a note that says, “For Santa. :(“
  11. Take everything out of your house as if it’s just been robbed. When Santa arrives, show up dressed like a policeman and say, “Well, well. They always return to the scene of the crime.”
  12. Leave out a copy of your Christmas list with last-minute changes and corrections.
  13. While he’s in the house, cover the top of the chimney with barbed wire.
  14. Leave lots of hunting trophies and guns out where Santa’s sure to see them. Go outside, yell, “Ooh! Look! A deer! And he’s got a red nose!” and fire a gun.
  15. Leave Santa a note explaining that you’ve moved. Include a map with unclear and hard-to-read directions to your new house.
  16. Set a bear trap at the bottom of the chimney. Wait for Santa to get caught in it, and then explain that you’re sorry, but from a distance, he looked like a bear.
  17. Leave out a Santa suit, with a dry-cleaning bill.
  18. Paint “hoof-prints” all over your face and clothes. While he’s in the house, go out on the roof. When he comes back up, act like you’ve been “trampled.” Threaten to sue.
  19. Instead of ornaments, decorate your tree with Easter eggs.
  20. Dress up like the Easter Bunny. Wait for Santa to come and then say, “This neighborhood ain’t big enough for the both of us.”
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The Divorce Call

A man in Phoenix called his son in New York the day before Christmas and said, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”

“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screamed.

“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father said. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.”

Frantic, the son called his sister, who exploded on the phone. “No way they’re getting divorced!” she shouted, “I’ll take care of this.”

She called Phoenix immediately and screamed at her father, “You are not getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hung up.

The old man hung up his phone and turned to his wife. “Okay,” he said, “they’re coming home for Christmas and paying their own way!”

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The Farmer and the Birds

Once there was a farmer and he and his family were living through a cold, snowy Midwestern winter. He was a kind, decent, good man – generous to his family and honest in his dealings with others, but he just didn’t believe all that “God becoming a man” business which the churches proclaim at Christmas time. It just didn’t make sense and he was too honest to pretend otherwise. He just couldn’t swallow the Jesus “born of a virgin” story.

“I’m truly sorry to distress you,” he told his wife, “I know it’s Christmas Eve, but I’m not going with you to church tonight.” He said he’d feel like a hypocrite and that he’d much rather just stay at home. So the farmer’s wife and family went to the Christmas Eve service at their church as the snow began to fall again.

The farmer had just sat down in his chair by the warm fireplace when he heard a loud ‘thump’ against a window. He looked out and saw a flock of birds obviously freezing in the subzero temperatures. Apparently, they had been caught in the weather and in a desperate search for shelter, had tried to fly through his window. They huddled together, shivering from the snowy cold.

He couldn’t just let the poor creatures lie there, suffer and freeze. He thought if he could get the birds into his barn, that would provide a warm shelter for them. He put on his coat and boots and headed outside.

The farmer opened the barn doors and waited for the birds to fly in. He waited and waited, but the birds either didn’t see the barn doors or they were too scared to or didn’t know they could enter the barn. They continued to shiver outside. The farmer wasn’t about to give up though.

Next, he grabbed some bird seed and made a trail to the barn. The birds ate some of the small seeds but they did not follow the seeds into the barn. Some of the seeds were soon covered by the snow and lost. Next, he came behind the birds and tried to shoo them into the barn, but they flew away in the opposite direction and then returned to gather into their shivering mass.

The farmer realized that they were afraid of him. To them, he reasoned, I am a threat. If only I could let them know that they can trust me – that I’m not trying to hurt them, but that I’m trying to help them. But how? Any move he made seemed to frighten and confuse them even more.

The farmer thought to himself, “If only I could communicate with them – be one of them. I could explain to them that the warm barn is a safe place and they wouldn’t be confused or scared anymore.” As the farmer was thinking about this, he heard the church bells ring for the Sunday evening service. Suddenly, the farmer understood the reason God sent Jesus.

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A Christmas Hope

“It is my heart-warm and world-embracing Christmas hope and aspiration that all of us, the high, the low, the rich, the poor, the admired, the despised, the loved, the hated, the civilized, the savage (every man and brother of us all throughout the whole earth), may eventually be gathered together in a heaven of everlasting rest and peace and bliss, except the inventor of the telephone.” – Mark Twain

Posted by Greg in The Book of Taunt, 0 comments

The Politically Correct 12 Days of Christmas

On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my potential-acquaintance-abuse-survivor gave to me,

  • TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,
  • ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note…)
  • TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,
  • NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
  • EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
  • SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
  • SIX enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen nonhuman animal products,
  • FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration, (NOTE: after a member of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)
  • FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,
  • THREE deconstructionist poets,
  • TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses,
  • And a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
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