Communication

Level with People

“It is fine to level with people if you don’t level them in the process.” – Walter St. John

Posted by Greg in The Book of Taunt, 0 comments

English is a Crazy Language

Let’s face it English is a crazy language. There is no egg in eggplant or ham in hamburger; neither apple nor pine in pineapple.

English muffins were not invented in England or french fries in France. Sweetmeats are candies, while sweetbreads, which aren’t sweet, are meat.

We take English for granted. But if we explore its paradoxes, we find that quicksand can work slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. And why is it that writers write, but fingers don’t fing, grocers don’t groce, and hammers don’t ham? If the plural of tooth is teeth, why isn’t the plural of booth beeth? One goose, 2 geese. So, one moose, 2 meese? One index, two indices? Is cheese the plural of choose?

If teachers taught, why didn’t preachers praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what does a humanitarian eat?

In what language do people recite at a play, and play at a recital? Ship by truck and send cargo by ship? Have noses that run and feet that smell? Park on driveways and drive on parkways?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

When a house burns up, it burns down. You fill in a form by filling it out and an alarm clock goes off by going on.

When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why, when I wind up my watch, I start it, but when I wind up this essay, I end it?

Now I know why I flunked my English. It’s not my fault — the silly language doesn’t quite know whether it’s coming or going.

Posted by Greg in Thought Provokers, 0 comments

Questions Asked at National Parks

Grand Canyon National Park:

  • Was this man-made?
  • Do you light it up at night?
  • Is the mule train air conditioned?
  • So where are the faces of the presidents?

Everglades National Park:

  • Are the alligators real?
  • Are the baby alligators for sale?
  • Where are all the rides?
  • What time does the two o’clock bus leave?

Mesa Verde National Park:

  • Did people build this, or did Indians?
  • Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
  • Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
  • What did they worship in the kivas–their own made-up religion?
  • Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

Carlsbad Caverns National Park:

  • How much of the cave is underground?
  • So what’s in the unexplored part of the cave?
  • Does it ever rain in here?
  • How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?
  • So what is this–just a hole in the ground?

Yosemite National Park:

  • Where are the cages for the animals?
  • What time of year do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
  • What happened to the other half of Half Dome?
  • Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?

Denali National Park:

  • What time do you feed the bears?
  • What’s so wonderful about Wonder Lake?
  • Can you show me where yeti lives?
  • How often do you mow the tundra?
  • How much does Mount McKinley weigh?

Yellowstone National Park:

  • Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
  • How do you turn it on?
  • When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
  • We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?
Posted by Greg in Thought Provokers, 0 comments

Ads That Don’t Quite Work

  • Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
  • Dinner Special — Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
  • For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
  • Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
  • No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
  • Great Dames for sale.
  • Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
  • Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it!
  • Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
  • Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
  • Stock up and save. Limit: one.
  • Save regularly in our bank. You’ll never reget it.
  • Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
  • Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
  • Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere else again.
  • Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.
  • Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
  • Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
  • Mother’s helper–peasant working conditions.
  • Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
  • And now, the Superstore–unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
Posted by Greg in Thought Provokers, 0 comments

Prayer is a Tool

“Prayers are tools not for doing or getting, but for being and becoming.” – Eugene H. Peterson

Posted by Greg in The Book of Taunt, 0 comments

The Silence of God

“The louder our world today is, the deeper God seems to remain in silence. Silence is the language of eternity; noise passes.” – Gertrud von Le Fort

Posted by Greg in The Book of Taunt, 0 comments

A Simple Smile

“I will never understand all the good that a simple smile can accomplish.” – Mother Teresa

Posted by Greg in The Book of Taunt, 0 comments

The Bible and Our Cell Phones

“What would happen if we turned back when we forget it, if we opened it more times a day, if we read the message of God contained in the Bible the way we read messages on our cell phones?” – Pope Francis

Posted by Greg in The Book of Taunt, 0 comments

The Power of Kind Words

“Kind words can be short and easy to speak, but their echoes are truly endless.” – Mother Teresa

Posted by Greg in The Book of Taunt, 0 comments

Animal Thoughts

Dog: “Why do they keep putting the lid down on the big water bowl?”

Goldfish: “Just because I have a three-second memory, they don’t think I’ll mind eating the same fish flakes … Oh boy! Fish flakes!”

Dog: “Man, why do they keep rubbing my nose in it? I already KNOW whose it is!”

Goldfish: “The wimpy knight never comes out of the castle to fight me for dominion over the fish tank. So I must continue patrolling, for I am lord and master!”

Parrot: “Tease, tease, tease! But do those greedy clowns ever really give me a cracker? NO!”

Cat: “Why are these people in my house?”

Goldfish: “Oh, tap-tap-tap! There’s a new one!”

Posted by Greg in Thought Provokers, 0 comments