Kids and Family

Kids and Science

  • One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
  • You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don’t hear it, you got hit, so never mind.
  • When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
  • When people run around and around in circles, we say they are crazy. When planets do it, we say they are orbiting.
  • While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.
  • Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change into a sun in the daytime.
  • A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
  • Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to become oil.
  • Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they are there.
  • Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.
  • We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
  • I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.
  • In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O.
  • Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
  • Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog’s tongue will kill the strongest man.
  • Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
  • Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
  • It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live in other places.
  • H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
  • To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
  • Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
  • Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
  • Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
  • Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.
  • The moon is a planet, just like the earth, only it is even deader.
  • Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
  • Mushrooms always grow in damp places so they look like umbrellas.
  • The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects.
  • The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.
  • A permanent set of teeth consist of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.
  • The tides are a fight between the earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
  • A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
  • Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
  • Liter: A nest of young puppies.
  • Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
  • Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
  • Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.
  • Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
  • Vacuum: A large, empty space where the Pope lives.
  • Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
  • To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
  • For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.
  • For dog bite put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
  • For head cold use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
  • To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.
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Things My Mother Taught Me

  • My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE. “If you’re going to kill each other, do it outside. I just finished cleaning.”
  • My mother taught me RELIGION. “You’d better pray that will come out of the carpet.”
  • My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL. “If you don’t straighten up, I’m going to knock you into the middle of next week!”
  • My mother taught me LOGIC. “Because I said so, that’s why.”
  • My mother taught me MORE LOGIC. “If you fall out of that swing and break your neck, you’re not going to the store with me.”
  • My mother taught me FORESIGHT. “Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you’re in an accident.”
  • My mother taught me IRONY. “Keep crying, and I’ll give you something to cry about.”
  • My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS. “Shut your mouth and eat your supper.”
  • My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM. “Will you look at that dirt on the back of your neck!”
  • My mother taught me about STAMINA. “You’ll sit there until all that spinach is gone.”
  • My mother taught me about WEATHER. “This room of yours looks as if a tornado went through it.”
  • My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY. “If I told you once, I’ve told you a million times. Don’t exaggerate!”
  • My mother taught me the CIRCLE OF LIFE. “I brought you into this world, and I can take you out.”
  • My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION. “Stop acting like your father!”
  • My mother taught me about ENVY. “There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don’t have wonderful parents like you do.”
  • My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION. “Just wait until we get home.”
  • My mother taught me about RECEIVING. “You are going to get it when you get home!”
  • My mother taught me MEDICAL SCIENCE. “If you don’t stop crossing your eyes, they are going to freeze that way.”
  • My mother taught me ESP. “Put your sweater on; don’t you think I know when you are cold?”
  • My mother taught me HUMOR. “When that lawnmower cuts off your toes, don’t come running to me.”
  • My mother taught me HOW TO BECOME AN ADULT. “If you don’t eat your vegetables, you’ll never grow up.”
  • My mother taught me GENETICS. “You’re just like your father.”
  • My mother taught me about my ROOTS. “Shut that door behind you. Do you think you were born in a barn?”
  • My mother taught me WISDOM. “When you get to be my age, you’ll understand.”
  • My mother taught me about JUSTICE. “One day you’ll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you!”
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The Lecture

The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.

“What are you doing out here at 2:00 in the morning?” said the officer.

“I’m going to a lecture,” the man said.

“And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?” the cop asked.

“My wife,” said the man.

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Marriage Qualities

On their 50th wedding anniversary and during the banquet celebrating it, Tom was asked to give his friends a brief account of the benefits of a marriage of such long duration. “Tell us Tom, just what is it you have learned from all those wonderful years with your wife?” an anonymous voice yelled from the back of the room.

Tom responded, “Well, I’ve learned that marriage is the best teacher of all. It teaches you loyalty, meekness, forbearance, self-restraint, forgiveness — and a great many other qualities you wouldn’t need if you stayed single.”

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Shots

Working as a pediatric nurse, I had the difficult assignment of giving immunization shots to children. One day I entered the examining room to give four-year-old Lizzie her shot.

“NO! NO! NO!” she screamed.

“Lizzie,” her mother scolded. “That’s not polite behavior.”

At that, the girl yelled even louder, “NO, THANK YOU! NO, THANK YOU!”

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Lost at the YMCA

A little boy got lost at the YMCA and found himself in the women’s locker room. When he was spotted, the room burst into shrieks, with ladies grabbing towels and running for cover.

The little boy watched in amazement and then asked, “What’s the matter? Haven’t you ever seen a little boy before?”

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Praying for the Sick

A young boy called the pastor of a local “corner” church to ask the pastor to come by and pray for his mother who had been very ill with the flu. The pastor knew the family and was aware they had been attending another church down the road. So the pastor asked, “Shouldn’t you be asking your pastor from down the road to come by and pray with your mom?”

The young boy replied, “Yeah, but we didn’t want to take the chance that he might catch whatever it is that Mom has.”

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This is Science?

This is a list of comments from test papers, essays, etc., submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students. It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades. The spellings are the original ones.

  • H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
  • To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube.
  • When you smell an oderless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
  • Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is water and gin.
  • A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold.
  • Liter: A nest of young puppies.
  • Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
  • Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
  • Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives.
  • The pistol of the flower is its only protection against insects.
  • A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
  • To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
  • For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower that the heart until the heart stops.
  • For head colds: use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
  • Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
  • The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
  • Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
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Attention

“Attention is the rarest and purest form of generosity.” – Simone Weil

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No Charge

My little boy came into the kitchen this evening while I was fixing supper. And he handed me a piece of paper he’d been writing on. So, after wiping my hands on my apron, I read it, and this is what it said:

  • For mowing the grass, $5.
  • For making my own bed this week, $1.
  • For going to the store $.50.
  • For playing with baby brother while you went shopping, $.25.
  • For taking out the trash, $1.
  • For getting a good report card, $5.
  • And for raking the yard, $2.

Well, I looked at him standing there expectantly, and a thousand memories flashed through my mind. So, I picked up the paper, and turning it over, this is what I wrote:

  • For the nine months I carried you, growing inside me, No Charge.
  • For the nights I sat up with you, doctored you prayed for you, No charge.
  • For the time and the tears, and the cost through the years, No Charge.
  • For the nights filled with dread, and the worries ahead, No Charge.
  • For advice and the knowledge, and the cost of your college, No Charge.
  • For the toys, food and clothes, and for wiping your nose, No Charge.
  • Son, when you add it all up, the full cost of my love is No Charge.

Well, when he finished reading, he had great big tears in his eyes. And he looked up at me and he said, “Mama, I sure do love you.” Then he took the pen and in great big letters he wrote, PAID IN FULL.

“No Charge” was written by Gospel singer Shirley Ceasar. It was also a country song produced by Howard-Sony Tree Publishing Co., Inc. and sung by Melba Montgomery.

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