Signs You Are Getting Old

  • Everything hurts and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.
  • The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bi-focals.
  • You keep repeating yourself.
  • You feel like the morning after and you haven’t been anywhere.
  • Your little black book contains only names that end in M.D.
  • Your children begin to look middle aged.
  • You keep repeating yourself.
  • You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall.
  • Your mind makes contracts your body can’t meet.
  • You look forward to a dull evening.
  • Your favorite part of the newspaper is “20 Years Ago Today.”
  • You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
  • You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
  • Your knees buckle, and your belt won’t.
  • You’re 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 105 around the golf course.
  • Your back goes out more than you do.
  • You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
  • You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
  • You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
  • You’re asleep, but others worry that you’re dead.
  • You’re proud of your lawn mower.
  • Your best friend is dating someone half their age…and isn’t breaking any laws.
  • Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
  • You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
  • You make an appointment to see the dentist.
  • People call at 9 pm and ask, “Did I wake you?”
  • You have a dream about prunes.
  • You answer a question with, “Because I said so.”
  • You send money to PBS.
  • The end of your tie doesn’t come anywhere near the top of your pants.
  • You take a metal detector to the beach.
  • You wear black socks with sandals.
  • You can’t remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.
  • Your ears and nose are hairier than your head.
  • You got cable for the Weather Channel (sometimes referred to as “Old Folks MTV”).
  • If a young girl looks at you, you check to make sure you remembered to put on your pants.
  • You keep repeating yourself.
  • You discover bifocals are stylish.
  • When you do the “Hokey Pokey” you put your left hip out…and you can’t get it back around.
  • Most women you know under 40 put you in the “Friend of my Father” class.
  • Relatives smile benignly rather than interrupt you as you retell the same story for the zillionth time.
  • You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
  • Conversations with people your own age often turn into “dueling ailments.”
  • People don’t harass you any more when you take an afternoon nap.
  • Your social security number only has three digits.
  • In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
  • It’s harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
  • Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
  • No one expects you to run into a burning building.
  • Restaurants stop asking to see your senior discount card.
  • People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
  • There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
  • Things you buy now won’t wear out.
  • You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
  • You can eat dinner at 4:00.
  • You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
  • You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
  • You’re actually interested in hearing about other people’s operations.
  • You get into a heated argument about pension plans and social security.
  • You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.
  • You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
  • You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
  • You sing along with the elevator music.
  • You talk about “good grass” and you’re referring to someone’s lawn.
  • Your eyes won’t get much worse.
  • Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
  • Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
  • Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
  • Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.

Leave a Reply