The Book of Taunt – clever quotes, sayings, and anecdotes that make a powerful point.

Thought Provokers – motivational and meaningful stories, fables, parables and collections – great for opening a meeting or lifting your spirit.

Scripture Energizers – an assortment of Bible verses that guide and direct our daily living.

The Ticket to Heaven – a simple, powerful paper folding exercise that illustrates God’s love for us and the importance of having a personal relationship with Christ. All you need is a piece of 8 1/2″ x 11″ notebook paper.


New Book Releases

  • “How to Write Big Books” by Warren Peace
  • “The Lion Attacked” by Claude Yarmoff
  • “The Art of Archery” by Beau N. Arrow
  • “Songs for Children” by Barbara Blacksheep
  • “Irish Heart Surgery” by Angie O’Plasty
  • “Desert Crossing” by I. Rhoda Camel
  • “School Truancy” by Marcus Absent
  • “I Was a Cloakroom Attendant” by Mahatma Coate
  • “I Lost My Balance” by Eileen Dover and Phil Down
  • “Mystery in the Barnyard” by Hu Flung Dung
  • “Positive Reinforcement” by Wade Ago
  • “Shhh!” by Danielle Soloud
  • “The Philippine Post Office” by Imelda Letter
  • “Things to Do at a Party” by Bob Frapples
  • “Stop Arguing” by Xavier Breath
  • “Come on In!” by Doris Open
  • “The German Bank Robbery” by Hans Zupp
  • “I Hate the Sun” by Gladys Knight
  • “Prison Security” by Barb Dweyer
  • “Irish First Aid” by R.U. O’Kaye
  • “My Career As a Clown” by Abe Ozo
  • “Here’s Pus in Your Eye” by Lance Boyle
  • “I Didn’t Do It!” by Ivan Alibi
  • “Why I Eat at McDonalds” by Tommy Ayk
  • “I Hit the Wall” by Isadore There
  • “The Bruce Lee Story” by Marsha Larts
  • “Take This Job and Shove It” by Ike Witt
  • “Rapunzel Rapunzel” by Harris Long
  • “Split Personalities” by Jacqueline Hyde
  • “How I Won the Marathon” by Randy Hoelway
  • “Songs from “South Pacific”” by Sam and Janet Evening
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The Way It Is

  • The more confidential the memo, the more likely it will be left in the copy machine.
  • The new improved model always appears on the market just after you’ve bought the old model.
  • The person who suggests spitting the bill evenly is always the person who ordered the most expensive items
  • The chance of a sudden cloudburst is in direct proportion to the amount of suede you’re wearing (and you should be ashamed if you are).
  • The novice poker player will always take home the pot.
  • You always get sick on the second day of your vacation and always recover the day before you return to work.
  • The odd little noise you ignored all night will turn out to be a major disaster.
  • The only things Super-Stick Glue will bond successfully are your fingers.
  • When a traffic light gets stuck, you will get the red light.
  • “One size fits all” items will never fit you.
  • Your insurance protects you from everything except what actually happens.
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I’m the Boss

My boss was complaining in a staff meeting the other day that he wasn’t getting any respect. Later that morning he went out and got a small sign that read, “I’m the Boss.” He then taped it to his office door.

Later that day when he returned from lunch, he found that someone had taped a note to the sign that said, “Your wife called. She wants you to bring her sign back.”

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Just One Copy

A young executive was leaving the office late one evening when he found the Chief Executive Officer (CEO) standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in his hand.

“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is a very sensitive and important document here, and my secretary has gone for the night. Can you make this thing work?”

“Certainly,” said the young executive.

He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”

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Words

We sometimes take English for granted, but if we examine its paradoxes we find that quicksand takes you down slowly, boxing rings are square, and a guinea pig is neither from Guinea nor is it a pig. There is no egg in the eggplant, no ham in the hamburger, and neither pine nor apple are in the pineapple. If writers write, how come fingers don’t fing?

If the plural of tooth is teeth, shouldn’t the plural of phone booth be phone beeth? If the teacher taught, why didn’t the preacher praught? If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what the heck does a humanitarian eat!? Why do people recite at a play, yet play at a recital?

You have to marvel at the unique lunacy of a language in which a house can burn up as it burns down. When the stars are out, they are visible, but when the lights are out, they are invisible. And why it is that when I wind up my watch it starts, but when I wind up this poem, it ends?”

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Quick Thinking Clerk

A new clerk had just started his job in a supermarket. A customer asked him if she could buy half a grapefruit. Not knowing what to do, he excused himself to ask the manager.

“Some nut out there wants to buy half a grapefruit…” he began, and suddenly realizing that the customer had entered the office behind him, continued, “… and this lovely lady would like to buy the other half.”

The manager was impressed with the way the clerk amicably resolved the problem and they later started chatting. “Where are you from,” asked the store manager.

“Lancaster, Pennsylvania,” replied the clerk, “home of ugly women and great hockey teams.”

“Oh, my WIFE is from Lancaster,” challenged the manager.

Without skipping a beat, the clerk asked, “What team was she on?”

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Lawn Work

“Winterize your lawn,” the big sign outside the garden store commanded. I’ve fed it, watered it, mowed it, raked it and watched a lot of it die anyway. Now I’m supposed to winterize it? I hope it’s too late. Grass lawns have to be the stupidest thing we’ve come up with outside of thong swimsuits! We constantly battle dandelions, Queen Anne’s lace, thistle, violets, chicory and clover that thrive naturally, so we can grow grass that must be nursed through an annual four-step chemical dependency.

Imagine the conversation The Creator might have with St. Francis about this:

“Frank you know all about gardens and nature. What in the world is going on down there in the Midwest? What happened to the dandelions, violets, thistle and stuff I started eons ago? I had a perfect, no-maintenance garden plan. Those plants grow in any type of soil, withstand drought and multiply with abandon. The nectar from the long-lasting blossoms attracted butterflies, honey bees and flocks of songbirds. I expected to see a vast garden of colors by now. But all I see are these green rectangles.”

“It’s the tribes that settled there, Lord. The Suburbanites. They started calling your flowers ‘weeds’ and went to great extent to kill them and replace them with grass.”

“Grass? But it’s so boring. It’s not colorful. It doesn’t attract butterflies, birds and bees, only grubs and sod worms. It’s temperamental with temperatures. Do these Suburbanites really want all that grass growing there?”

“Apparently so, Lord. They go to great pains to grow it and keep it green. They begin each spring by fertilizing grass and poisoning any other plant that crops up in the lawn.”

“The spring rains and cool weather probably make grass grow really fast. That must make the Suburbanites happy.”

“Apparently not, Lord. As soon as it grows a little, they cut it – sometimes twice a week.”

“They cut it? Do they then bale it like hay?”

“Not exactly, Lord. Most of them rake it up and put it in bags.”

“They bag it? Why? Is it a cash crop? Do they sell it?”

“No, sir. Just the opposite. They pay to throw it away”

“Now let me get this straight. They fertilize grass so it will grow. And when it does grow, they cut it off and pay to throw it away?”

“Yes, sir.”

“These Suburbanites must be relieved in the summer when we cut back on the rain and turn up the heat. That surely slows the growth and saves them a lot of work.”

“You aren’t going believe this Lord. When the grass stops growing so fast, they drag out hoses and pay more money to water it so they can continue to mow it and pay to get rid of it.”

“What nonsense! At least they kept some of the trees. That was a sheer stroke of genius, if I do say so myself. The trees grow leaves in the spring to provide beauty and shade in the summer. In the autumn they fall to the ground and form a natural blanket to keep moisture in the soil and protect the trees and bushes. Plus, as they rot, the leaves form compost to enhance the soil. It’s a natural circle of life.”

“You better sit down, Lord. The Suburbanites have drawn a new circle. As soon as the leaves fall, they rake them into great piles and have them hauled away.”

“No! What do they do to protect the shrub and tree roots in the winter and keep the soil moist and loose?”

“After throwing away your leaves, they go out and buy something they call mulch. They haul it home and spread it around in place of the leaves.”

“And where do they get this mulch?”

“They cut down trees and grind them up.”

“Enough! I don’t want to think about this anymore. Saint Catherine, you’re in charge of the arts. What movie have you scheduled for us tonight?”

“Dumb and Dumber, Lord. It’s a real stupid movie about…”

“Never mind I think I just heard the whole story.”

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Christmas Vacation School Report

Christmas Break was over and the teacher was asking the class about their vacations. She turned to little Johnny and asked what he did over the break.

“We visited my grandmother in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania,” he replied.

“That sounds like an excellent vocabulary word,” the teacher said. “Can you tell the class how you spell that?”

Little Johnny thought about it and said, “You know, come to think of it, we went to Ohio.”

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