“Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering you own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them – every day begin the task anew.” – Saint Francis de Sales
“The first thing is to be honest with yourself. You can never have an impact on society if you have not changed yourself … Great peacemakers are all people of integrity, of honesty, and humility.” – Nelson Mandela
“He who would leap high must take a long run.” – Danish Proverb
“If you’re not prepared to be wrong, you’ll never come up with anything original.” – Sir Ken Robinson
Lawyers aren’t typically funny–unless by accident. Case in point: The following questions from lawyers were taken from official records nationwide:
Was that the same nose you broke as a child?
Now, doctor, isn’t it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn’t know anything about it until the next morning?
Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, ‘I have to kill you because you can identify me.’
Q: Did he kill you?
Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?
Were you alone or by yourself?
How long have you been a French Canadian?
Do you have children or anything of that kind?
Q: I show you exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That’s me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?
Were you present in court this morning when you were sworn in?
Q: Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
A: By death.
Q: And by whose death was it terminated?
Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
A: I’ll be three months on November 8.
Q: Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
Q: What were you doing at the time?
Q: Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
A: I used to be.
Q: How many times have you committed suicide?
So you were gone until you returned?
Q: She had three children, right?
Q: How many were boys?
Q: Were there girls?
You don’t know what it was, and you don’t know what it looked like, but can you describe it?
Q: You say that the stairs went down to the basement?
Q: And these stairs, did they go up also?
Q: Have you lived in this town all your life?
A: Not yet.
A Texas attorney, realizing he was on the verge of unleashing a stupid question, interrupted himself and said, “Your Honor, I’d like to strike the next question.”
Q: Do you recall approximately the time that you examined the body of Mr. Edington at the Rose Chapel?
A: It was in the evening. The autopsy started about 8:30 p.m.
Q: And Mr. Edington was dead at the time, is that correct?
A: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy!
“Life is bristling with thorns, and I know no other remedy than to cultivate one’s garden.” – Voltaire
In the days when an ice cream sundae cost much less, a 10-year-old boy entered a hotel coffee shop and sat at a table. A waitress put a glass of water in front of him. “How much is an ice cream sundae?” he asked.
“Fifty cents,” replied the waitress. The little boy pulled hand out of his pocket and studied the coins in it. “Well, how much is a plain dish of ice cream?” he inquired. By now more people were waiting for a table and the waitress was growing impatient.
“Thirty-five cents,” she brusquely replied. The little boy again counted his coins. “I’ll have the plain ice cream,” he said. The waitress brought the ice cream, put the bill on the table and walked away. The boy finished the ice cream, paid the cashier and left.
When the waitress came back, she began to cry as she wiped down the table. There, placed neatly beside the empty dish, were two nickels and five pennies…
You see, he couldn’t have the sundae, because he had to have enough left to leave her a tip.
“‘One can’t believe impossible things,’ Alice said. ‘I daresay you haven’t had much practice,’ said the Queen. ‘When I was your age, I always did it for half an hour a day. Why, sometimes I’ve believed as many as six impossible things before breakfast.'” – Lewis Carroll
George Phillips of Meridian, Mississippi was going up to bed when his wife told him that he’d left the light on in the garden shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed stealing things.
He phoned the police, who asked “Is someone in your house?” and he said no. Then they said that all patrols were busy, and that he should simply lock his door and an officer would be along when available.
George said “Okay,” hung up, counted to 30, and phoned the police again. “Hello. I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people in my shed. Well, you don’t have to worry about them now because I’ve just shot them all.” Then he hung up.
Within five minutes, three police cars, an Armed Response unit, and an ambulance showed up at the Phillips’ residence. Of course, the police caught the burglars red-handed.
One of the policemen said to George: “I thought you said that you’d shot them!”
George said, “I thought you said there was nobody available!”
“Don’t paint stripes on your back if you’re not a zebra. Focus on building upon your unique abilities.” – Lee J. Colan