How to Clean the Toilet

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You Will Need: One Toilet, One Cat, Appropriate Amount of Cat Shampoo

Add the appropriate amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and put both lids up.

Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid.) The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. (Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this).

Flush the toilet three or four times (this provides a “power-wash” and “rinse”).

Have someone open the door to the outside (Be sure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door).

Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

The now clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself off. The toilet will be sparkling clean!

Sincerely, The Dog

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Unarmed Self Defense

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During a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self defense.

After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, “What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a large, sharp knife?”

The student replied, “Big ones!”

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Meaningful Conversation

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A farmer walked into an attorney’s office wanting to file for a divorce.

The attorney asked, “May I help you?” The farmer said, “Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces.”

The attorney said, “Well, do you have any grounds?” The farmer said, “Yea, I got about 140 acres.”

The attorney said, “No, you don’t understand, do you have a case?” The farmer said, “No, I don’t have a Case, but I have a John Deere.”

The attorney said, “No, you don’t understand. I mean do you have a grudge?” The farmer said, “Yea, I got a grudge. That’s where I park my John Deere.”

The attorney said, “No sir, I mean do you have a suit?” The farmer said, “Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays.”

The exasperated attorney said, “Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?” The farmer said, “No sir, we both get up about 4:30.”

Finally, the attorney says, “Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?” And the farmer said, “Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her.”

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Facing a Change

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“Not everything that can be faced can be changed, but nothing can be changed that is not faced.” – James Baldwin

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A Sizable Donation

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When the minister picked up the phone, a special agent from the IRS was on the line. “Hello, is this the minister?” “Yes, this is.” “I’m calling to inquire about a member of your congregation, a Dr. Smith. Do you recognize the name?” “Yes, he is a member of our congregation. How can I be of service?”

“Well, on last year’s tax return, the doctor claimed that he made a sizable tax-deductible contribution to your church. Is this true?” “Well, I’ll have to have our bookkeeper verify this information for you. How much did Dr. Smith say he contributed?” “Twenty five thousand dollars,” answered  the agent. “Can you tell me if that amount is true?” There is a long pause. “I’ll tell you what,” replied the minister… “Call back tomorrow. I’m sure it will be.”

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Resisting All Change

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“Little men with little minds and little imaginations go through life in little ruts, smugly resisting all changes which would jar their little worlds.” – Zig Ziglar

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An Attitude Adjustment

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So there’s this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. The trouble is the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird’s foul mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, “QUIT IT!” But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, “That’s it. I’ll get you,” and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invectives that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt.

After a couple of minutes of silence, he’s so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man’s outstretched arm and says, “Awfully sorry about the trouble I’ve given you. I’ll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.” The man is astounded. He can’t understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, “By the way, what did the chicken do?”

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