“Wisdom is knowing the right path to take. Integrity is taking it.”
Top Ways to Biblically Acquire a Wife
- Find an attractive prisoner of war, bring her home, shave her head, trim her nails, and give her new clothes. Then she’s yours. (Deuteronomy 21:11-13)
- Find a prostitute and marry her. (Hosea 1:1-3)
- Find a man with seven daughters, and impress him by watering his flock. (Moses–Exodus 2:16-21)
- Purchase a piece of property, and get a woman as part of the deal. (Boaz–Ruth 4:5-10)
- Go to a party and hide. When the women come out to dance, grab one and carry her off to be your wife. (Benjaminites–Judges 21:19-25)
- Have God create a wife for you while you sleep. Note: this will cost you. (Adam–Genesis 2:19-24)
- Agree to work seven years in exchange for a woman’s hand in marriage. Get tricked into marrying the wrong woman. Then work another seven years for the woman you wanted to marry in the first place. That’s right. Fourteen years of toil for a wife. (Jacob–Genesis 29:15-30)
- Cut 200 foreskins off of your future father-in-law’s enemies and get his daughter for a wife. (David–1 Samuel 18:27)
- Even if no one is out there, just wander around a bit and you’ll definitely find someone. (It’s all relative, of course.) (Cain–Genesis 4:16-17)
- Become the emperor of a huge nation and hold a beauty contest. (Xerxes or Ahasuerus–Esther 2:3-4)
- When you see someone you like, go home and tell your parents, “I have seen a … woman; now get her for me.” If your parents question your decision, simply say, “Get her for me. She’s the one for me.” (Samson–Judges 14:1-3)
- Kill any husband and take HIS wife (Prepare to lose four sons, though). (David–2 Samuel 11)
- Wait for your brother to die. Take his widow. (It’s not just a good idea; it’s the law.) (Onana and Boaz–Deuteronomy or Leviticus, example in Ruth)
- Don’t be so picky. Make up for quality with quantity. (Solomon–1 Kings 11:1-3)
- A wife?…NOT? (Paul–1 Corinthians 7:32-35)
Top Christian Break Up Lines Used by Women
- “I’m sorry, I’ve found someone more spiritual.”
- “I’m sorry, it’s just not God’s will.”
- “I feel called to the ministry…very soon and very far from you as soon as possible.”
- “I’m sorry, it could never work. I’m a sanguine and you’re a phlegmatic.”
- “God loves me and must have a better plan for my life.”
- “You know, I feel like I’m dating my brother.”
- “At least I got a lot out of our Bible studies together.”
- “You need someone with lower standards.”
- “I think we should just be prayer partners.”
- “I do love you, but it’s just agape now.”
Kids Define Love
A group of professional people posed this question to a group of 4-8 year olds, “What does love mean?” The answers they got were broader and deeper than anyone could have imagined. See what you think:
- “When my grandmother got arthritis, she couldn’t bend over and paint her toenails anymore so my grandfather does it for her all the time, even when his hands got arthritis too. That’s love.” Rebecca – age 8.
- “When someone loves you, the way they say your name is different. You know that your name is safe in their mouth.” Billy – age 4
- “Love is when a girl puts on perfume and a boy puts on shaving cologne and they go out and smell each other.” Karl – age 5
- “Love is when you go out to eat and give somebody most of your french fries without making them give you any of theirs.” Chrissy – age 6
- “Love is what makes you smile when you’re tired.” Terri – age 4
- “Love is when my mommy makes coffee for my daddy and she takes a sip before giving it to him, to make sure the taste is okay.” Danny – age 7
- “Love is when you kiss all the time. Then when you get tired of kissing, you still want to be together and you talk more. My Mommy and Daddy are like that. They look gross when they kiss.” Emily – age 8
- “Love is what’s in the room with you at Christmas if you stop opening presents and listen.” Bobby – age 7
- “If you want to learn to love better, you should start with a friend who you hate.” Nikka – age 6
- “There are two kinds of love, Our love. God’s love. But God makes both kinds of them.” Jenny – age 8
- “Love is when you tell a guy you like his shirt, then he wears it every day.” Noelle – age 7
- “Love is like a little old woman and a little old man who are still friends even after they know each other so well.” Tommy – age 6
- “During my piano recital I was on a stage and I was scared. I looked at all the people watching me and saw my daddy waving and smiling. He was the only one doing that. I wasn’t scared anymore.” Cindy – age 8
- “My mommy loves me more than anybody. You don’t see anyone else kissing me to sleep at night.” Clare – age 6
- “Love is when Mommy gives Daddy the best piece of chicken.” Elaine – age 5
- “Love is when Mommy sees Daddy smelly and sweaty and still says he is handsomer than Brad Pitt.” Chris – age 7
- “I know my older sister loves me because she gives me all her old clothes and has to go out and buy new ones.” Lauren – age 5
- “When you love somebody, your eyelashes go up and down and little stars come out of you.” Karen – age 7
- “You really shouldn’t say ‘I love you’ unless you mean it. But if you mean it, you should say it a lot. People forget.” Jessica – age 8
Risks
To laugh is to risk appearing the fool.
To weep is to risk appearing sentimental.
To reach out for another is risk involvement.
To expose feelings is to risk exposing your true self.
To place your ideas, your dreams, before a crowd Is to risk their loss.
To love is to risk not being loved in return.
To live is to risk dying.
To hope is to risk despair.
To try is to risk failure.
But risks must be taken, because the greatest hazard in life is To risk nothing. The person who risks nothing dies nothing, has nothing and is nothing.
They say they avoid suffering and sorrow, but they cannot learn, feel, change, grow, love, feel. Chained by their attitudes, they are slaves. They have forfeited their freedom. Only a person who risks is free.