My grandson returned from his first time in church and was asked how it went.
He said, “The music was nice, but the commercial was too long.”
How to Clean the Toilet
You Will Need: One Toilet, One Cat, Appropriate Amount of Cat Shampoo
Add the appropriate amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and put both lids up.
Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid.) The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. (Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this).
Flush the toilet three or four times (this provides a “power-wash” and “rinse”).
Have someone open the door to the outside (Be sure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door).
Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
The now clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself off. The toilet will be sparkling clean!
Sincerely, The Dog
Unarmed Self Defense
During a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self defense.
After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, “What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a large, sharp knife?”
The student replied, “Big ones!”
Meaningful Conversation
A farmer walked into an attorney’s office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, “May I help you?” The farmer said, “Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces.”
The attorney said, “Well, do you have any grounds?” The farmer said, “Yea, I got about 140 acres.”
The attorney said, “No, you don’t understand, do you have a case?” The farmer said, “No, I don’t have a Case, but I have a John Deere.”
The attorney said, “No, you don’t understand. I mean do you have a grudge?” The farmer said, “Yea, I got a grudge. That’s where I park my John Deere.”
The attorney said, “No sir, I mean do you have a suit?” The farmer said, “Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays.”
The exasperated attorney said, “Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?” The farmer said, “No sir, we both get up about 4:30.”
Finally, the attorney says, “Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?” And the farmer said, “Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her.”
A Sizable Donation
When the minister picked up the phone, a special agent from the IRS was on the line. “Hello, is this the minister?” “Yes, this is.” “I’m calling to inquire about a member of your congregation, a Dr. Smith. Do you recognize the name?” “Yes, he is a member of our congregation. How can I be of service?”
“Well, on last year’s tax return, the doctor claimed that he made a sizable tax-deductible contribution to your church. Is this true?” “Well, I’ll have to have our bookkeeper verify this information for you. How much did Dr. Smith say he contributed?” “Twenty five thousand dollars,” answered the agent. “Can you tell me if that amount is true?” There is a long pause. “I’ll tell you what,” replied the minister… “Call back tomorrow. I’m sure it will be.”