“Every exit is an entry somewhere else.” – Tom Stoppard
Things God Won’t Ask You
- God won’t ask what kind of car you drove, He’ll ask how many people you drove who didn’t have transportation.
- God won’t ask the square footage of your house, He’ll ask how many people you welcomed into your home.
- God won’t ask about the clothes you had in your closet, He’ll ask how many you helped to clothe.
- God won’t ask what your highest salary was, He’ll ask if you compromised your character to obtain it.
- God won’t ask what your job title was, He’ll ask if you performed your job to the best of our ability.
- God won’t ask how many friends you had, He’ll ask how many people to whom you were a friend.
- God won’t ask in what neighborhood you lived, He’ll ask how you treated your neighbors.
- God won’t ask about the color of your skin, He’ll ask about the content of your character.
- God won’t ask why it took you so long to seek Salvation, He’ll lovingly take you to your mansion in heaven, and not to the gates of Hell.
Ads That Don’t Quite Work
- Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
- Dinner Special — Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
- For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
- Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
- No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
- Great Dames for sale.
- Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
- Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it!
- Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
- Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
- Stock up and save. Limit: one.
- Save regularly in our bank. You’ll never reget it.
- Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
- Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
- Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere else again.
- Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.
- Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
- Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
- Mother’s helper–peasant working conditions.
- Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
- And now, the Superstore–unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
The Lecture
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
“What are you doing out here at 2:00 in the morning?” said the officer.
“I’m going to a lecture,” the man said.
“And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?” the cop asked.
“My wife,” said the man.