“The nine most terrifying words in the English language are, ‘I’m from the government and I’m here to help.'” – Ronald Reagan
Make a Difference Wherever You Are
As an old man walked down a beach at dawn, he saw a young man running across the sand,bending down to pick up a stranded starfish and throw it far into the sea. The old man gazed in wonder as the young soul again and again threw the small starfish from the sand into the water.
The old man approached him and asked why he spent so much energy doing what seemed a waste of time. The young man explained that the stranded starfish would die if left exposed on the beach until the morning sun arose.
“But there are thousands of miles of beach, and miles and miles of starfish. How can your efforts make any difference?” The young man looked down at the small starfish in his hand, and as he threw it to safety in the sea, he said, “Made a difference to that one!”
Gifts for Mom
Three sons left home, went out on their own and prospered. Getting back together, they discussed the gifts they were able to give their elderly mother.
The first said, “I built a big house for our mother.” The second said, “I sent her a Mercedes with a driver.” The third smiled and said, “I’ve got you both beat. You remember how mom enjoyed reading the Bible? And you know she can’t see very well. So I sent her a remarkable parrot that recites the entire Bible. It took elders in the church 12 years to teach him. He’s one of a kind. Mama just has to name the chapter and verse, and the parrot recites it.”
Soon thereafter, mom sent out her letters of thanks: “Milton,” she wrote one son, “The house you built is so huge. I live in only one room, but I have to clean the whole house.” “Gerald,” she wrote to another, “I am too old to travel. I stay most of the time at home, so I rarely use the Mercedes. And the driver is so rude!” “Dearest Donald,” she wrote to her third son, “You have the good sense to know what your mother likes. The chicken was delicious.”
Getting the Attractive Wife
A man was in his usual place in the morning, sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player. The player was known primarily for his lack of IQ, common sense, and good looks. He turned to his wife: “You know, I’ll never understand why the biggest, ugliest jerks always get the most attractive wives.” His wife replied, “Why thank you, dear!”
The Quiz for People Who Know Everything
- There’s one sport in which neither the spectators nor the participants know the score or the leader until the contest ends. What is it?
- What famous North American landmark is constantly moving backward?
- Of all vegetables, only two can live to produce on their own for several growing seasons. All other vegetables must be replanted every year. What are the only two perennial vegetables?
- At noon and midnight the hour and minute hands are exactly coincident with each other. How many other times between noon and midnight do the hour and minute hands cross?
- What is the only sport in which the ball is always in the possession of the team on defense, and the offensive team can score without touching the ball?
- What fruit has its seeds on the outside?
- In many liquor stores, you can buy pear brandy, with a real pear inside the bottle. The pear is whole and ripe, and the bottle is genuine; it hasn’t been cut in any way. How did the pear get inside the bottle?
- Only three words in standard English begin with the letters “dw.” They are all common. Name two of them.
- There are fourteen punctuation marks in English grammar. Can you name half of them?
- Where are the lakes that are referred to in the “Los Angeles Lakers?”
- There are seven ways a baseball player can legally reach first base without getting a hit. Taking a base on balls — a walk — is one way. Name the other six.
- It’s the only vegetable or fruit that is never sold frozen, canned, processed, cooked, or in any other form but fresh. What is it?
- How is it possible for a pitcher to make four or more strikeouts in one inning?
- Name six or more things that you can wear on your feet, that begin with the letter “s.”
ANSWERS BELOW
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** ANSWERS TO QUIZ **
- Boxing.
- Niagara Falls. The rim is worn down about 2 and a half feet each year because of the millions of gallons of water that rush over it every minute.
- Asparagus and rhubarb.
- Ten times (not eleven, as most people seem to think, if you do not believe it, try it with your watch, it is only 10 times).
- Baseball.
- Strawberry.
- The pear grew inside the bottle. The bottles are placed over pear buds when they are small, and are wired in place on the tree. The bottle is left in place for the whole growing season. When the pears are ripe, they are snipped off at the stems.
- Dwarf, dwell, and dwindle.
- Period, comma, colon, semicolon, dash, hyphen, apostrophe, question mark, exclamation point, quotation marks, brackets, parenthesis, braces, and ellipses.
- In Minnesota. The team was originally known as the Minneapolis Lakers, and kept the name when they moved west.
- Batter hit by a pitch; passed ball; catcher interference; catcher drops third strike; fielder’s choice; and being designated as a pinch runner.
- Lettuce.
- If the catcher drops a called third strike, and doesn’t throw the batter out at first base, the runner is safe.
- Shoes, socks, sandals, sneakers, slippers, skis, snowshoes, stockings, and so on.
From the Pages of the Bible
Two old friends met one day after many years. One attended college, and now was very successful. The other had not attended college and never had much ambition.
The unsuccessful one said, “How has everything been going with you?”
“Well, one day I opened the Bible at random, and dropped my finger on a word and it was oil. So, I invested in oil, and boy, did the oil wells gush.
Then another day I dropped my finger on another word and it was gold. So, I invested in gold and those mines really produced. Now, I’m as rich as Rockefeller.”
The unsuccessful friend was so impressed that he rushed to his hotel, grabbed a Gideon Bible, flipped it open, and dropped his finger on a page.
He opened his eyes and his finger rested on the words, “Chapter Eleven.”