“Some people think they need the faith of a mountain to move a mustard seed.”
A computer was something on TV, From a science-fiction show of note, A window was something you hated to clean, And ram was the cousin of a goat. Meg was the name of my girlfriend, And gig was a job for the nights, Now they all mean different things, And that really mega bytes.
An application was for employment, A program was a TV show, A cursor used profanity, A keyboard was a piano. Log on was adding wood to the fire, Hard drive was a long trip on the road, A mouse pad was where a mouse lived, and backup happened to your commode.
Cut you did with a pocket knife, And paste you did with glue, A web was a spider’s home, And a virus was a flu. I guess I’ll stick to my pad and paper, And the memory in my head, I hear nobody’s been killed in a computer crash, But when it happens they wish they were dead.
- Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document.
- Arrive at a meeting late, say you’re sorry, but you didn’t have time for lunch, and you’re going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 raw potatoes.
- Insist that your e-mail address be “firstname.lastname@example.org”
- Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.
- Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
- Page yourself over the intercom. (Don’t disguise your voice.)
- Name all your pens and insist that meetings can’t begin until they’re all present.
- Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. “That’s a good point, Sparky”…”No, I’m sorry I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi.”
- Include a piece of your children’s artwork as a cover page for all reports that you write. If you don’t have children, draw stick figures yourself.
- Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald’s Playland. Charge everyone $25 each.
- Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them what you’re doing. For example “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.”
- Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it “IN.”
- Organize a carpool. Go to pick everyone up in a taxi.
- Hang mistletoe over your desk.
- Include a personal note on every e-mail you send: “On a personal note, I’m feeling a bit tired and grumpy today.”…”On a personal note, I’m pleased to announce that I got my highest score ever on Tetris last night.”
- Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
- Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.
- Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
“We need to learn to listen better, even practice if we need to. We should listen to understand, but many times we only listen to respond.” – Greg Taunt
“How far you go in life depends on your being tender with the young, compassionate with the aged, sympathetic with the striving, and tolerant of the weak and strong. Because someday in your life you will have been all of these.” – George Washington Carver
For months Bill had been Lynn’s devoted admirer. Now, at long last, he had collected up sufficient courage to ask her the most momentous of all questions.
“There are quite a lot of advantages to being a bachelor,” Bill began, “but there comes a time when one longs for the companionship of another being, a being who will regard one as perfect, as an idol; whom one can treat as one’s absolute own; who will be kind and faithful when times are hard; who will share one’s joys and sorrows.”
To his delight, Bill saw a sympathetic gleam in Lynn’s eyes. Then she nodded in agreement. Finally, Lynn responded, “I think it’s a great idea! Can I help you choose which puppy to buy?”
“There is no pillow so soft as a clear conscience.”
“Wouldn’t it be nice if whenever we messed up our life, we could simply press ‘Ctrl-Alt-Delete’ and start all over?”
A basketball in my hands is worth about $19. A basketball in Michael Jordan’s hands is worth about $33 million. It depends whose hands it’s in.
A baseball in my hands is worth about $6. A baseball in Mark McGwire’s hands is worth $19 million. It depends whose hands it’s in.
A tennis racket is useless in my hands. A tennis racket in Venus Williams hands is a Wimbledon Championship. It depends whose hands it’s in.
A rod in my hands will keep away a wild animal. A rod in Moses’ hands will part the mighty sea. It depends whose hands it’s in.
A sling shot in my hands is a kid’s toy. A sling shot in David’s hand is a mighty weapon. It depends whose hands it’s in.
Two fish and five loaves of bread in my hands is a couple of fish sandwiches. Two fish and five loaves of bread in God’s hands will feed thousands. It depends whose hands it’s in.
Nails in my hands might produce a birdhouse. Nails in Jesus Christ’s hands will produce salvation for the entire world. It depends whose hands it’s in.
So put your concerns, your worries, your fears, your hopes, your dreams, your families and your relationships in God’s hands because it really does depend on whose hands it’s in.
A parts manager for a small electronics shop, had occasion to order part No. 669 from the factory. But when he received it he noticed that someone had sent part No. 699 instead.
Furious at the factory’s incompetence, he promptly sent the part back along with a letter giving them a piece of his mind. Less than a week later, he received the same part back with a letter containing just four words: “TURN THE PART OVER.”