Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document.
Arrive at a meeting late, say you’re sorry, but you didn’t have time for lunch, and you’re going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat 5 raw potatoes.
Insist that your e-mail address be “email@example.com”
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them to sign a waiver.
Every time someone asks you to do something, ask them if they want fries with that.
Page yourself over the intercom. (Don’t disguise your voice.)
Name all your pens and insist that meetings can’t begin until they’re all present.
Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. “That’s a good point, Sparky”…”No, I’m sorry I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Chachi.”
Include a piece of your children’s artwork as a cover page for all reports that you write. If you don’t have children, draw stick figures yourself.
Agree to organize the company Christmas party. Hold it at McDonald’s Playland. Charge everyone $25 each.
Send e-mail to the rest of the company telling them what you’re doing. For example “If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.”
Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it “IN.”
Organize a carpool. Go to pick everyone up in a taxi.
Hang mistletoe over your desk.
Include a personal note on every e-mail you send: “On a personal note, I’m feeling a bit tired and grumpy today.”…”On a personal note, I’m pleased to announce that I got my highest score ever on Tetris last night.”
Put up mosquito netting around your cubicle.
Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.
Put decaf in the coffeemaker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.