Signs You Are Getting Old
- Everything hurts and what doesn’t hurt doesn’t work.
- The gleam in your eyes is from the sun hitting your bi-focals.
- You keep repeating yourself.
- You feel like the morning after and you haven’t been anywhere.
- Your little black book contains only names that end in M.D.
- Your children begin to look middle aged.
- You keep repeating yourself.
- You finally reach the top of the ladder and find it leaning against the wrong wall.
- Your mind makes contracts your body can’t meet.
- You look forward to a dull evening.
- Your favorite part of the newspaper is “20 Years Ago Today.”
- You turn out the lights for economic rather than romantic reasons.
- You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.
- Your knees buckle, and your belt won’t.
- You’re 17 around the neck, 42 around the waist, and 105 around the golf course.
- Your back goes out more than you do.
- You sink your teeth into a steak, and they stay there.
- You have too much room in the house and not enough in the medicine cabinet.
- You know all the answers, but nobody asks you the questions.
- You’re asleep, but others worry that you’re dead.
- You’re proud of your lawn mower.
- Your best friend is dating someone half their age…and isn’t breaking any laws.
- Your arms are almost too short to read the newspaper.
- You would rather go to work than stay home sick.
- You make an appointment to see the dentist.
- People call at 9 pm and ask, “Did I wake you?”
- You have a dream about prunes.
- You answer a question with, “Because I said so.”
- You send money to PBS.
- The end of your tie doesn’t come anywhere near the top of your pants.
- You take a metal detector to the beach.
- You wear black socks with sandals.
- You can’t remember the last time you laid on the floor to watch TV.
- Your ears and nose are hairier than your head.
- You got cable for the Weather Channel (sometimes referred to as “Old Folks MTV”).
- If a young girl looks at you, you check to make sure you remembered to put on your pants.
- You keep repeating yourself.
- You discover bifocals are stylish.
- When you do the “Hokey Pokey” you put your left hip out…and you can’t get it back around.
- Most women you know under 40 put you in the “Friend of my Father” class.
- Relatives smile benignly rather than interrupt you as you retell the same story for the zillionth time.
- You run out of breath walking DOWN a flight of stairs.
- Conversations with people your own age often turn into “dueling ailments.”
- People don’t harass you any more when you take an afternoon nap.
- Your social security number only has three digits.
- In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
- It’s harder and harder for sexual harassment charges to stick.
- Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
- No one expects you to run into a burning building.
- Restaurants stop asking to see your senior discount card.
- People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
- There’s nothing left to learn the hard way.
- Things you buy now won’t wear out.
- You buy a compass for the dash of your car.
- You can eat dinner at 4:00.
- You consider coffee one of the most important things in life.
- You constantly talk about the price of gasoline.
- You’re actually interested in hearing about other people’s operations.
- You get into a heated argument about pension plans and social security.
- You have a party and the neighbors don’t even realize it.
- You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.
- You quit trying to hold your stomach in, no matter who walks into the room.
- You sing along with the elevator music.
- You talk about “good grass” and you’re referring to someone’s lawn.
- Your eyes won’t get much worse.
- Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.
- Your joints are more accurate than the National Weather Service.
- Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can’t remember them either.
- Your supply of brain cells is finally down to a manageable size.