“Success comes in CANS, failure in CAN’TS.”
Sacrifice
There was a blind girl who hated herself because she was blind. She hated everyone, except her loving boyfriend. He was always there for her. She told her boyfriend, “If I could only see the world, I will marry you.”
One day, someone donated a pair of eyes to her. When the bandages came off, she was able to see everything, including her boyfriend. He asked her, “Now that you can see the world, will you marry me?”
The girl looked at her boyfriend and saw that he was blind. The sight of his closed eyelids shocked her. She hadn’t expected that. The thought of looking at them the rest of her life led her to refuse to marry him.
Her boyfriend became very upset and left. Days later, he wrote a note to her saying: “Take good care of your eyes, my dear, for before they were yours, they were mine.”
Precious Memories
A minister decided to do something a little different one Sunday morning. He said “Today, in church, I am going to say a single word and you are going to help me preach. Whatever single word I say, I want you to sing whatever hymn that comes to your mind.”
The pastor shouted out “CROSS.” Immediately the congregation started singing in unison, “THE OLD RUGGED CROSS.”
The pastor hollered out “GRACE.” The congregation began to sing “AMAZING GRACE, how sweet the sound.”
The pastor said “POWER.” The congregation sang “THERE IS POWER IN THE BLOOD.”
The Pastor said “SEX.” The congregation fell into total silence. Everyone was in shock. They all nervously began to look around at each other, afraid to say anything.
Then all of a sudden, way from in the back of the church, a little old 87-year-old grandmother stood up and began to sing “PRECIOUS MEMORIES.”
The Pastoral Search Committee Notes
In our search for a suitable pastor, the following notes were compiled for your reference. Of the candidates investigated by the committee, only one was found to have the necessary qualities. This list contains the names of the candidates and comments on each, should you be interested in meeting with them.
Noah – He has 120 years of preaching experience, but no converts.
Moses – He stutters; and his former congregation says he loses his temper over trivial things.
Abraham – He took off to Egypt during hard times. We heard that he got into trouble with the authorities and then tried to lie his way out.
David – He is an unacceptable moral character. He might have been considered for minister of music had he not fallen.
Solomon – He has a reputation for wisdom but fails to practice what he preaches.
Elijah – He proved to be inconsistent, and is known to fold under pressure.
Hosea – His family life is in a shambles. Divorced, and remarried to a prostitute.
Jeremiah – He is too emotional, alarmist; some say a real pain in the neck.
Amos – Comes from a farming background. Better off picking figs.
John – He says he is a Baptist but lacks tact and dresses like a hippie. Would not feel comfortable around him at a church potluck supper.
Peter – Has a bad temper, and was heard to have even denied Christ publicly.
Paul – We found him to lack tact. He is too harsh. His appearance is contemptible, and he preaches far too long.
Timothy – He has potential, but is much too young for the position.
Jesus – He tends to offend church members with his preaching, especially Bible scholars. He is also too controversial. He even offended the search committee with his pointed questions.
Judas – He seemed to be very practical, cooperative, good with money, cares for the poor, and dresses well. We all agreed that he is just the man we are looking for to fill the vacancy as our Senior Pastor.
Thank you for all you have done in assisting us with our pastoral search.
Sincerely,
The Pastoral Search Committee