Tommy had reached school age. His mother managed with a blast of propaganda to make him enthusiastic about the idea. She bought him lots of new clothes, told him of the new friends he’d meet and so on.
On the first day, he eagerly went off and came back home with a lot of glowing reports about school.
The next morning when she woke him up, he asked “Why did you wake me up?” She told him it was time to get ready for school.
“What? Again?” he asked.
Arnold Schwartzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn’t have one.
The Pope has one, but doesn’t use his.
Bill Clinton uses his all the time.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
George Burns’ was hot.
Liberace never used his on women.
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
We never saw Lucy use Desi’s.
What is it?
ANSWER: A Last Name
Before I was a Mom, I made and ate hot meals. I had unstained clothing. I had quiet conversations on the phone.
Before I was a Mom, I slept as late as I wanted and never worried about how late I got into bed. I brushed my hair and my teeth everyday.
Before I was Mom, I cleaned my house each day. I never tripped over toys or forgot words to lullabies.
Before I was a Mom, I didn’t worry whether or not my plants were poisonous. I never thought about immunizations.
Before I was a Mom, I had never been puked on, pooped on, spit on, chewed on, peed on, or pinched by tiny fingers.
Before I was a Mom, I had complete control of my mind, my thoughts, my body, and my time. I slept all night.
Before I was a Mom, I never held down a screaming child so that doctors could do tests or give shots. I never looked into teary eyes and cried. I never got gloriously happy over a simple grin. I never sat up late hours at night watching a baby sleep.
Before I was a Mom, I never held a sleeping baby just because I didn’t want to put it down. I never felt my heart break into a million pieces when I couldn’t stop the hurt. I never knew that something so small could affect my life so much. I never knew that I could love someone so much. I never knew I would love being a Mom.
Before I was a Mom, I didn’t know the feeling of having my heart outside my body. I didn’t know how special it could feel to feed a hungry baby. I didn’t know that bond between a Mother and her child. I didn’t know that something so small could make me feel so important.
Before I was a Mom, I had never gotten up in the middle of the night every 10 minutes to make sure all was okay. I had never known the warmth, the joy, the love, the heartache, the wonder, the fulfillment, or the satisfaction of being a Mom. I didn’t know I was capable of feeling so much before I was a Mom.
Father O’Shea, the parish priest in the village, was giving a sermon about charity. He said, “The trouble with the world today is that some people have too much and others have too little. We must give of ourselves and our worldly goods to help the less fortunate.”
He said to Bill, “If you had ten thousand pounds, wouldn’t you give half of it to the poor?”
He said, “I would that, Father.”
The priest said, “If you had two greyhounds, wouldn’t you give one of them to your neighbor next door?”
Bill said, “No.”
The priest said, “And why not?”
He said, “Because I have two greyhounds.”