The Mommy Test

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I was out walking with my then 4 year old daughter. She picked up something off the ground and started to put it in her mouth. I asked her not to do that. “Why?” “Because it’s been laying outside and is dirty and probably has germs.” At this point, she looked at me with total admiration and asked, “Wow! How do you know all this stuff?”

“Uh,” I was thinking quickly, everyone knows this stuff, “Um, it’s on the Mommy test. You have to know it, or they don’t let you be a Mommy.” “Oh.” We walked along in silence for 2 or 3 minutes, but she was evidently pondering this new information. “I get it!!!!” she beamed. “Then if you flunk, you have to be the Daddy.”

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Job Hunting

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I’ve been working hard lately. I thought you might like to know what I’ve been up to.

I got a job at an orange juice factory, but I couldn’t concentrate, so I got canned.

Then I worked in the woods as a lumber jack, but I just couldn’t hack it, so they gave me the axe.

After that I tried to be a tailor, but I just wasn’t suited for it – mainly because it was a so-so job.

Next, I tried working at the muffler shop, but that was just exhausting!

I wanted to be a barber, but I just couldn’t cut it.

Then I tried being a chef – figured it would add a little spice to my life, but I just didn’t have the thyme.

I attempted to work at the deli, but any way I sliced it, I couldn’t cut the mustard.

I studied a long time and became a doctor, then found out that I didn’t have the patients.

Shortly after that I found a job at the shoe factory. I tried, but I didn’t have the sole for it, besides, I just didn’t fit in.

One day I tried selling velcro, but couldn’t stick with it!

They suggested I try professional fishing, but soon discovered that I couldn’t live on my net income.

After training to be a fireman, I suffered from job burn out.

I did manage to get a good job with a pool maintenance company, but the work was too draining.

I applied for a job at the zoo feeding the giraffes, but they said that I wasn’t up to it.

So then I applied at the gym, They said I wasn’t fit for it. Go figure??

I did get the job as the county historian. Then I realized that there was no future in it.

Someone suggested I look into becoming a transplant surgeon, but my heart just wasn’t in it.

A tennis instructor would have been fun, but it wasn’t my racket. I way too high strung.

Spent some time farming, but I wasn’t out standing in my field.

Looked into becoming a pilot, but they said I had a bad altitude.

So, now I’ve retired and found that I’m a perfect fit for this job.

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Mistaken Identity

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Two cars were waiting at a stoplight. The light turned green, but the man didn’t notice it. A woman in the car behind him is watching traffic pass around them. The woman begins pounding on her steering wheel and yelling at the man to move. The man doesn’t move. The woman is going ballistic inside her car, ranting and raving at the man, pounding on her steering wheel and dash.

The light turns yellow and the woman begins to blow the car horn, flips him off, and screams profanity and curses at the man. The man, looks up, sees the yellow light and accelerates through the intersection just as the light turns red. The woman is beside herself, screaming in frustration as she misses her chance to get through the intersection.

As she is still in mid-rant she hears a tap on her window and looks up into the barrel of a gun held by a very serious looking policeman. The policeman tells! her to shut off her car while keeping both hands in sight. She complies, speechless at what is happening.

After she shuts off the engine, the policeman orders her to exit her car with her hands up. She gets out of the car and he orders her to turn and place her hands on her car. She turns, places her hands on the car roof and quickly is cuffed and hustled into the patrol car. She is too bewildered by the chain of events to ask any questions and is driven to the police station where she is fingerprinted, photographed, searched, booked and placed in a cell.

After a couple of hours, a policeman approaches the cell and opens the door for her. She is escorted back to the booking desk where the original officer is waiting with her personal effects. He hands her the bag containing her things, and says, “I’m really sorry for this mistake. But you see, I pulled up behind your car while you were blowing your horn, flipping the guy off in front of you, and cussing a blue streak at him. Then I noticed the: “Choose Life” license plate holder, the “What Would Jesus Do” bumper sticker, the “Follow Me to Sunday School” bumper sticker, and the chrome plated Christian fish emblem on the trunk. So, naturally, I assumed you had stolen the car.”

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Your Husband Will Surely Die

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A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor’s office. After his checkup, the doctor called the wife into his office alone. He said, “If you don’t do the following, your husband will surely die:

Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast.

Be pleasant and make sure he is in a good mood.

For lunch, make him a nutritious meal.

For dinner, prepare him an especially nice meal.

Don’t burden him with chores as he probably had a hard day.

Don’t discuss your problems with him.

On the way home, the husband asked his wife what the doctor said to her. “You’re going to die,” she replied.

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Stop Waiting

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“Stop waiting for contentment, comfort, and happiness. The reality is that they are the ones waiting for you.” – Andy Andrews

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The Realistic Miracle Diet

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Breakfast: 1/2 grapefruit, 1 slice of whole wheat toast, 8 oz. low fat or skim milk

Lunch: 4 oz lean broiled chicken breast, 1 cup steamed spinach, 1 cup herbal tea, 1 Oreo cookie

Mid-Afternoon Snack: Rest of Oreos in pack, 2 pints Haagen Daz ice cream, 1 jar hot fudge sauce, nuts, cherries, whipped cream.

Dinner: 2 loaves garlic bread with cheese, Large sausage and cheese pizza, 4 cans or 1 large pitcher diet soda, 3 Milky Way candy bars

Late Evening News: Entire Sara Lee cheesecake eaten directly from freezer.

BASIC RULES FOR THIS DIET

  • If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
  • If you drink diet soda with candy bars, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.
  • When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count as long as you don’t eat more than they do.
  • Food used for medicinal purposes never counts, such as hot chocolate, toast, and Sara Lee cheesecake.
  • If you fatten up the people around you, then you look thinner.
  • Movie-related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entire entertainment package and are not part of one’s personal intake. (Examples are Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.)
  • Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking cookies causes caloric leakage.
  • Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. (Examples are peanut butter on a knife while making a sandwich or ice cream on a spoon while making a sundae.)
  • Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. For instance, spinach and pistachio ice cream, cauliflower and whipped cream.
  • NOTE: Chocolate is a universal substitute and may be used in place of any other food.
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Good Morning, I Am God

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Good morning, I am God. Today, I will be handling all of your problems. Please remember that I do not need your help.

If the devil happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, DO NOT attempt to resolve it. Kindly put it in the SFJTD (Something for Jesus to Do) box. It will be addressed in My time, not necessarily yours.

Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold on to it or attempt to remove it. Holding on or removal will delay the resolution of your problem. If it is a situation you think you are capable of handling, please consult Me in prayer to be sure that you are correct.

Because I do not sleep nor do I slumber, there is no need for you to lose any sleep. Rest my child. If you need to contact me, I am only a prayer away. Your Friend, God.

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