“The key to life is not accumulation. It’s contribution.” – Stephen Covey
“Everything can be taken…but one thing: the last of the human freedoms—to choose one’s attitude in any given set of circumstances, to choose one’s own way.” – Viktor Frankl
“Every exit is an entry somewhere else.” – Tom Stoppard
“Never give in. Never, never, never, never, in nothing great or small, large or petty, never give in except to convictions of honour and good sense. Never yield to force. Never yield to the apparently overwhelming might of the enemy.” – Winston Churchill
- One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.
- You can listen to thunder after lightening and tell how close you came to getting hit. If you don’t hear it, you got hit, so never mind.
- When they broke open molecules, they found they were only stuffed with atoms. But when they broke open atoms, they found them stuffed with explosions.
- When people run around and around in circles, we say they are crazy. When planets do it, we say they are orbiting.
- While the earth seems to be knowingly keeping its distance from the sun, it is really only centrificating.
- Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change into a sun in the daytime.
- A vibration is a motion that cannot make up its mind which way it wants to go.
- Many dead animals of the past changed to fossils, others preferred to become oil.
- Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they are there.
- Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.
- We say the cause of perfume disappearing is evaporation. Evaporation gets blamed for a lot of things people forget to put the top on.
- I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.
- In making rain water, it takes everything from H to O.
- Rain is saved up in cloud banks.
- Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog’s tongue will kill the strongest man.
- Thunder is a rich source of loudness.
- Isotherms and isobars are even more important than their names sound.
- It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live in other places.
- H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water.
- To collect fumes of sulfur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube. When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide.
- Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water.
- Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars.
- Blood flows down one leg and up the other.
- Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration.
- The moon is a planet, just like the earth, only it is even deader.
- Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire.
- Mushrooms always grow in damp places so they look like umbrellas.
- The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects.
- The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have been taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to.
- A permanent set of teeth consist of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors.
- The tides are a fight between the earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight.
- A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is.
- Germinate: To become a naturalized German.
- Liter: A nest of young puppies.
- Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat.
- Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away.
- Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky.
- Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot.
- Vacuum: A large, empty space where the Pope lives.
- Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative.
- To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose.
- For a nosebleed, put the nose much lower than the body until the heart stops.
- For dog bite put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it.
- For head cold use an agonizer to spray the nose until it drops in your throat.
- To keep milk from turning sour, keep it in the cow.
Grand Canyon National Park:
- Was this man-made?
- Do you light it up at night?
- Is the mule train air conditioned?
- So where are the faces of the presidents?
Everglades National Park:
- Are the alligators real?
- Are the baby alligators for sale?
- Where are all the rides?
- What time does the two o’clock bus leave?
Mesa Verde National Park:
- Did people build this, or did Indians?
- Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
- Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
- What did they worship in the kivas–their own made-up religion?
- Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?
Carlsbad Caverns National Park:
- How much of the cave is underground?
- So what’s in the unexplored part of the cave?
- Does it ever rain in here?
- How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?
- So what is this–just a hole in the ground?
Yosemite National Park:
- Where are the cages for the animals?
- What time of year do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
- What happened to the other half of Half Dome?
- Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?
Denali National Park:
- What time do you feed the bears?
- What’s so wonderful about Wonder Lake?
- Can you show me where yeti lives?
- How often do you mow the tundra?
- How much does Mount McKinley weigh?
Yellowstone National Park:
- Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
- How do you turn it on?
- When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
- We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?
“To play it safe is not to play.” – Robert Altman
- God won’t ask what kind of car you drove, He’ll ask how many people you drove who didn’t have transportation.
- God won’t ask the square footage of your house, He’ll ask how many people you welcomed into your home.
- God won’t ask about the clothes you had in your closet, He’ll ask how many you helped to clothe.
- God won’t ask what your highest salary was, He’ll ask if you compromised your character to obtain it.
- God won’t ask what your job title was, He’ll ask if you performed your job to the best of our ability.
- God won’t ask how many friends you had, He’ll ask how many people to whom you were a friend.
- God won’t ask in what neighborhood you lived, He’ll ask how you treated your neighbors.
- God won’t ask about the color of your skin, He’ll ask about the content of your character.
- God won’t ask why it took you so long to seek Salvation, He’ll lovingly take you to your mansion in heaven, and not to the gates of Hell.
- Lost: small apricot poodle. Reward. Neutered. Like one of the family.
- Dinner Special — Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00.
- For sale: an antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.
- Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.
- No matter what your topcoat is made of, this miracle spray will make it really repellent.
- Great Dames for sale.
- Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.
- Tired of cleaning yourself? Let me do it!
- Mt. Kilimanjaro, the breathtaking backdrop for the Serena Lodge. Swim in the lovely pool while you drink it all in.
- Sheer stockings. Designed for fancy dress, but so serviceable that lots of women wear nothing else.
- Stock up and save. Limit: one.
- Save regularly in our bank. You’ll never reget it.
- Used Cars: Why go elsewhere to be cheated? Come here first!
- Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.
- Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once, you’ll never go anywhere else again.
- Wanted: Preparer of food. Must be dependable, like the food business, and be willing to get hands dirty.
- Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting-off-head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.
- Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.
- Mother’s helper–peasant working conditions.
- Semi-Annual after-Christmas Sale.
- And now, the Superstore–unequaled in size, unmatched in variety, unrivaled inconvenience.
The man was in no shape to drive, so he wisely left his car parked and walked home. As he was walking unsteadily along, he was stopped by a policeman.
“What are you doing out here at 2:00 in the morning?” said the officer.
“I’m going to a lecture,” the man said.
“And who is going to give a lecture at this hour?” the cop asked.
“My wife,” said the man.