- Large, loft-style apartments in New York City are well within the price range of most people–whether they’re employed or not.
- At least one of a pair of identical twins is born evil.
- Most laptop computers are powerful enough to override the communications system of any invading alien society.
- It does not matter if you are heavily outnumbered in a fight involving martial arts–your enemies will wait patiently to attack you one by one by dancing around in a threatening manner until you have knocked out their predecessors.
- When you turn out the light to go to bed, everything in your bedroom will still be clearly visible, just slightly bluish.
- Rather than wasting bullets, megalomaniacs prefer to kill their archenemies using complicated machinery involving fuses, pulley systems, deadly gasses, lasers, and man-eating sharks, which will allow their captives at least 20 minutes to escape.
- During all police investigations, it will be necessary to visit a strip club at least once.
- Most dogs are immortal.
- All grocery shopping bags contain at least one stick of French bread.
- It’s easy for anyone to land a plane providing there is someone in the control tower to talk you down.
- When hacking into a top secret government computer system, passwords are easily guessed after five tries or less.
- The ventilation system of any building is the perfect hiding place. No one will ever think of looking for you in there and you can travel to any other part of the building you want without difficulty.
- You’re very likely to survive any battle in any war unless you make the mistake of showing someone a picture of your sweetheart back home.
- The Eiffel Tower can be seen from any window in Paris.
- A man will show no pain while taking the most ferocious beating but will wince when a woman tries to clean his wounds.
- It is not necessary to say hello or goodbye when beginning or ending phone conversations.
- Even when driving down a perfectly straight road, it is necessary to turn the steering wheel vigorously from left to right every few moments.
- All bombs are fitted with electronic timing devices with large red readouts so you know exactly when they’re going to go off.
- A detective can only solve a case once he has been suspended from duty.
- If you decide to start dancing in the street, everyone you bump into will know all the steps.
- When they are alone, all foreigners prefer to speak English to each other.
- Television news bulletins usually contain a story that affects you personally at that precise moment.
- Only in America can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
- Only in America are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink.
- Only in America do stores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
- Only in America do people order double cheeseburgers, large fries, a candy bar and a Diet Coke.
- Only in America do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
- Only in America do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
- Only in America do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won’t miss a call from someone we didn’t want to talk to in the first place.
- Only in America do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
- Only in America do we use the word ‘politics’ to describe the process so well: ‘Poli’ in Latin meaning ‘many’ and ‘tics’ meaning ‘bloodsucking creatures’.
- Only in America do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Lessons learned during the Computer Age:
- Everyone works better with a clear memory.
- Always have a backup.
- Everyone needs to hit escape once in a while.
- When the world looks blurry, adjust your monitor.
- If you’re feeling lost, head for home.
- When everything crashes, don’t be afraid to restart.
- Save as you go.
- Many mistakes can be fixed if we just backspace.
- Give yourself a little upgrade every so often.
“Have patience with all things, but chiefly have patience with yourself. Do not lose courage in considering you own imperfections but instantly set about remedying them – every day begin the task anew.” – Saint Francis de Sales
- Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests.
- See if a yawn really is contagious.
- Slap your neighbor. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the preacher.
- Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs.
- Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with ‘A’ then ‘B and so on through the alphabet.
- Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front.
- Using church bulletins or visitor cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.
- Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed.
- Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the rest room.
- Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favorite hymn.
- Chew gum; if the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing bubbles.
- Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone.
- By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt around backwards.
- While people are locating the announced congregational song, step out in the aisle and begin waving your arms as if directing the hymn.
- Sit close to the front, and during the prayer, turn around backwards, point, and count softly how many people do not have their heads bowed and eyes closed.
- See how many hard candies you can stuff in your cheeks before your mother catches you.
- Begin coughing and get louder and louder until you get to excuse yourself and leave the room.
- Choose a different song than was announced and begin singing it as loud as you can.
- A person who can’t remember to walk the dog but never forgets a phone number.
- A weight watcher who goes on a diet by giving up candy bars before breakfast.
- A youngster who receives her allowance on Monday, spends it on Tuesday, and borrows it from her best friend on Wednesday.
- Someone who can hear his favorite singer 3 blocks away but not his mother calling from the next room.
- A whiz who can operate the latest computer without a lesson but can’t make a bed.
- A student who spends 12 minutes studying history and 12 hours studying for her driver’s license.
- A connoisseur of 2 kinds of fine music – loud and very loud.
- An enthusiast who has the energy to bike for miles but is usually too tired to dry the dishes.
- A young woman who loves the cat and tolerates the brother.
- A romantic who never falls in love more than once a week.
- A budding beauty who never smiles until her braces come off.
- A boy who can sleep till noon on any Saturday he suspects the lawn needs mowing.
- An original thinker who is positive that her parents were never teenagers.
At the Henry Street Hebrew School, Goldblatt, the new teacher, finished the day’s lesson. It was now time for the usual question period.
“Mr. Goldblatt,” announced little Joey, “there’s something I can’t figure out.”
“What’s that Joey?” asked Goldblatt.
“Well, according to the Bible, the Children of Israel crossed the Red Sea, right?”
“And the Children of Israel beat up the Philistines, right?”
“And the Children of Israel built the Temple, right?”
“Again, you’re right.”
“And the Children of Israel fought the Egyptians, and the Children of Israel fought the Romans, and the Children of Israel were always doing something important, right?”
“All that is right, too,” agreed Goldblatt. “So what’s your question?”
“What I wanna know is this,” demanded Joey. “What were all the grown-ups doing?”
In ancient times, a King had a boulder placed on a roadway. Then he hid himself and watched to see if anyone would remove the huge rock. Some of the king’s wealthiest merchants and courtiers came by and simply walked around it. Many loudly blamed the King for not keeping the roads clear, but none did anything about getting the stone out of the way.
Then a peasant came along carrying a load of vegetables. Upon approaching the boulder, the peasant laid down his burden and tried to move the stone to the side of the road. After much pushing and straining, he finally succeeded.
After the peasant picked up his load of vegetables, he noticed a purse laying in the road where the boulder had been. The purse contained many gold coins and a note from the King indicating that the gold was for the person who removed the boulder from the roadway.
The peasant learned what many of us never understand. Every obstacle presents an opportunity to improve our condition.
“He who would leap high must take a long run.” – Danish Proverb
“Present your family and friends with their eulogies now – they won’t be able to hear how much you love them and appreciate them from inside the coffin.”