“Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.” – Ambrose Bierce
One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check it out. So he called one of His angels and sent the angel to Earth for a time. When he returned, he told God, “Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not.”
God thought for a moment and said, “Maybe I had better send down a second angel to get another opinion.” So God called another angel and sent him to Earth for a time too. When the angel returned he went to God and said, “Yes, it’s true. The Earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good.”
God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them keep going. Do you know what the E-mail said? Just wondering, I didn’t get one either.
A man in Phoenix called his son in New York the day before Christmas and said, “I hate to ruin your day, but I have to tell you that your mother and I are divorcing; forty-five years of misery is enough.”
“Pop, what are you talking about?” the son screamed.
“We can’t stand the sight of each other any longer,” the father said. “We’re sick of each other, and I’m sick of talking about this, so you call your sister in Chicago and tell her.”
Frantic, the son called his sister, who exploded on the phone. “No way they’re getting divorced!” she shouted, “I’ll take care of this.”
She called Phoenix immediately and screamed at her father, “You are not getting divorced. Don’t do a single thing until I get there. I’m calling my brother back, and we’ll both be there tomorrow. Until then, don’t do a thing, DO YOU HEAR ME?” and hung up.
The old man hung up his phone and turned to his wife. “Okay,” he said, “they’re coming home for Christmas and paying their own way!”
“Many of life’s failures are people who did not realize how close they were to success when they gave up.” – Thomas Edison.
Scientists built a gun specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners,
military jets, and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity. The idea was to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
Engineers from another country heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshields of their new high-speed trains. Arrangements were made, and a gun was sent to the other country’s engineers.
When the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatterproof shield, smashed it to smithereens, blasted through the control console, snapped the engineer’s backrest in two, and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin, like an
arrow shot from a bow.
The horrified engineers sent the guns developers the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and asked for suggestions. They received a one-line reply: “Thaw the chicken.”
“At 211 degrees, water is hot. At 212 degrees, it boils. And with boiling water, comes steam. And steam can power a locomotive. That one extra degree of difference can transition leaders from being good to becoming truly great!” – Mac Anderson
“A person who can kneel to God can stand up to anything!”
“Keep your cool. Live on fire!” – Greg Taunt
“Learn from the mistakes of others – you can’t live long enough to make them all yourself.” – Martin Vanbee
“No one has ever become poor by giving.” – Anne Frank