A man was in his usual place in the morning, sitting at the table, reading the paper after breakfast. He came across an article about a beautiful actress who was about to marry a football player. The player was known primarily for his lack of IQ, common sense, and good looks. He turned to his wife: “You know, I’ll never understand why the biggest, ugliest jerks always get the most attractive wives.” His wife replied, “Why thank you, dear!”
- “I just don’t feel called to celibacy.”
- “Did I tell you that my great-uncle was a personal friend of Billy Graham?”
- “I don’t see it myself, but people tell me I look like Michael W. Smith.”
- “What do you think Paul meant when he said, ‘Greet everyone with a holy kiss?'”
- “You have the body of Amy Grant and the soul of Mother Teresa.” (DO NOT get this confused!)
- “You know, I’m really into relationship evangelism.”
- “I’m pretty flexible–I don’t think a woman should be submissive on the first date.”
- “Before tonight, I never believed in predestination…”
- “Just looking at you makes me feel all ecumenical.”
- “I hear there’s going to be a love offering tonight.”
“A friend is a gift you give yourself.” – Robert Louis Stevenson
“Motivation is when your dreams put on work clothes.” – Parkes Robinson
“The sun, with all those planets revolving around it and dependent on it, can still ripen a bunch of grapes as if it had nothing else in the universe to do.” – Galileo Galilei
“A real mentor is someone who walks along side of us. They have an
ear to listen to us. They bring their maturity and experience into our
lives. They’ve ‘been there, done that.’ When you think of a mentor,
think of someone who goes, the way, shows the way, and knows the way.” –
“Tears shed for self are tears of weakness, but tears of love shed for others are a sign of strength. Until I have learned the value of compassionately sharing others’ sorrow, distress, and misfortune, I cannot know real happiness.” – Billy Graham
- The more confidential the memo, the more likely it will be left in the copy machine.
- The new improved model always appears on the market just after you’ve bought the old model.
- The person who suggests spitting the bill evenly is always the person who ordered the most expensive items
- The chance of a sudden cloudburst is in direct proportion to the amount of suede you’re wearing (and you should be ashamed if you are).
- The novice poker player will always take home the pot.
- You always get sick on the second day of your vacation and always recover the day before you return to work.
- The odd little noise you ignored all night will turn out to be a major disaster.
- The only things Super-Stick Glue will bond successfully are your fingers.
- When a traffic light gets stuck, you will get the red light.
- “One size fits all” items will never fit you.
- Your insurance protects you from everything except what actually happens.
“To know even one life has breathed easier because you have lived, this is to have succeeded.” – Ralph Waldo Emerson
A man walked into a doctor’s office. “What do you have?” the receptionist asked. “Shingles,” he replied. She told him to sit down. Soon a nurse called him and asked, “What do you have?” “Shingles,” he replied.
She took his blood pressure, weight, and complete medical history. Then she took him to a room and told him to remove all of his clothes. After a few minutes the doctor came in and asked, “What do you have?” “Shingles,” the man told him.
The doctor looked him up and down and said, “Where?” “Out on the truck. Where do you want me to unload them?”