“It seems to me that God is in the interruptions of my life and He’s seldom in my plans.” – Gloria Gaither
The Anesthesia is Wearing Off
Irving was just coming out of anesthesia after a series of tests in the hospital, and his wife, Sarah, was sitting at his bedside. His eyes fluttered open, and he murmured, “You’re beautiful.” Flattered, Sarah continued her vigil while he drifted back to sleep.
Later he woke up and said, “You’re cute.” “What happened to ‘beautiful?'” Sarah asked. “I guess the drugs must be wearing off,” he replied.
Keeping Your Sanity (or Insanity) at Work
- At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
- Page yourself over the intercom. (Don’t disguise your voice.)
- Insist that your e-mail address is Xena-goddess-of-fire@companyname.com or Elvis-the-King @companyname.com.
- Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.
- Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
- Put your garbage can on your desk and label it “IN.”
- Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
- Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.
- Reply to everything someone says with, “That’s what you think.”
- Finish all your sentences with, “…in accordance with the prophecy.”
- Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
- Dont use any punctuation
- As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
- Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
- Sing along at the opera.
- Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don’t rhyme.
- Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you’re doing. For example: If anyone needs me, I’ll be in the bathroom.
- Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.
- Call the psychic hotline and just say, “Guess.”
- When the money comes out of the ATM, scream, “I won! I won! Third time this week!!!”
- When leaving the zoo, start running toward the parking lot yelling, “Run for your lives, they’re loose!”
- Tell your boss, “It’s not the voices in my head that bother me, it’s the voices in your head that do”
- Tell your children over dinner, “Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go.”
- Every time you see a broom, yell, “Honey, your mother is here.”
The Best We Could Do
Old man Fielding, the miser, at last went to his reward and presented himself at the Pearly Gates. St. Peter greeted him with appropriate solemnity and escorted him to his new abode. Walking past numerous elegant mansions finally they arrived at a dilapidated shack at the end of the street.
Fielding, much taken aback, began, “Why am I left with a rundown shack when all of these others have fine mansions?”
“Well, sir,” replied St. Peter, “we did the best we could with the money you sent us.”
The Love of Baked Beans
Once upon a time there lived a man who had a maddening passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively affect on him. Then one day, he met a beautiful girl and he fell madly in love with her.
When it was apparent that they would marry he thought to himself, “She is such a sweet and lovely girl, she will never put up with this.” So he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up his beloved beans. They were married shortly thereafter.
Some months after his marriage, his car broke down on his way home from work. Since he and his wife lived in the country, he phoned her to say he wouldn’t be home at his usual hour because he had to walk the rest of the way home.
On his way home he passed a small cafe and the odor of freshly baked beans was overwhelming. Since he still had several miles to walk, he figured he could walk off any ill effects before he got home, so he stopped at the cafe. Before leaving he ate three large helpings of baked beans. All the way home he putt-putted and after arriving home, felt he had putt-putted his last.
His wife was somewhat agitated and excited to see him and exclaimed delightedly, “Darling, I have the most wonderful surprise for dinner this evening. “She then blindfolded him and led him to his seat at the head of the table. He sat down and just as she was about to remove the blindfold, the telephone rang. She made him promise not to touch the blindfold until she returned. She left him to answer the phone. Seizing the opportunity, he shifted his weight to one leg and let one go. It was not only loud but as ripe as rotten eggs.
He took his napkin and vigorously fanned the air around him. He felt another urge coming on, shifted to the other leg, and let go again. This was a prize winner! While keeping one ear on the phone conversation, he kept on for a few more minutes. Upon hearing the phone hang up, he placed his napkin in his lap, folded his hands on top of it and smiled contentedly to himself, the very picture of innocence.
Apologizing for taking so long, she asked if he had peeked and he, of course, assured her that he hadn’t. At this point she removed the blindfold and there was his surprise – twelve dinner guests seated around the table for his surprise birthday party!