“I would rather have lofty dreams that are never fulfilled than lowly goals that are easily accomplished.” – Jim Watkins
The $2.99 Special
We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the ‘seniors’ special’ was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99. ‘Sounds good,’ my wife said. ‘But I don’t want the eggs.’ ‘Then, I’ll have to charge you three dollars and forty-nine cents because you’re ordering a la carte,’ the waitress warned her.
‘You mean I’d have to pay for not taking the eggs?’ my wife asked incredulously. ‘YES!!’ stated the waitress. ‘I’ll take the special then,’ my wife said. ‘How do you want your eggs?’ the waitress asked. ‘Raw and in the shell,’ my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake.
The Squeeze
The local bar was so sure that its bartender was the strongest man around that they offered a standing $1000 bet: The bartender would squeeze a lemon until all the juice ran into a glass, and hand the lemon to a patron. Anyone who could squeeze one more drop of juice out of the lemon would win the money.
Many people had tried over time (professional wrestlers, longshoremen, etc.), but nobody could do it.
One day this scrawny little man came in, wearing thick glasses and a polyester suit, and said in a tiny, squeaky voice, “I’d like to try the bet.”
After the laughter had died down, the bartender agreed, grabbed a lemon, and squeezed away. Then he handed the dried, wrinkled remains of the rind to the little man.
But the crowd’s laughter turned to total silence as the man clenched his fist around the lemon and SIX drops fell into the glass.
As the crowd cheered, the bartender paid the $1000, and asked the little man, “What do you do for a living? Are you a lumberjack, a weight lifter, or what?”
The man replied, “I work for the IRS.”
Starting School
Tommy had reached school age. His mother managed with a blast of propaganda to make him enthusiastic about the idea. She bought him lots of new clothes, told him of the new friends he’d meet and so on.
On the first day, he eagerly went off and came back home with a lot of glowing reports about school.
The next morning when she woke him up, he asked “Why did you wake me up?” She told him it was time to get ready for school.
“What? Again?” he asked.
A Short Quiz
Arnold Schwartzenegger has a big one.
Michael J. Fox has a small one.
Madonna doesn’t have one.
The Pope has one, but doesn’t use his.
Bill Clinton uses his all the time.
Mickey Mouse has an unusual one.
George Burns’ was hot.
Liberace never used his on women.
Jerry Seinfeld is very, very proud of his.
We never saw Lucy use Desi’s.
What is it?
ANSWER: A Last Name