“After all, I don’t see why I am always asking for private, individual, selfish miracles when every year there are miracles like white dogwood.” – Anne Morrow Lindbergh
Sunday School Bloopers
The following are biblical bloopers from Sunday school students:
FROM THE OLD TESTAMENT
- In the first book of the Bible, Guinessis, the Lord got tired of creating the world, so he took the Sabbath off.
- Adam and Eve were created from an apple tree.
- Noah’s wife was called Joan of Ark.
- Noah built the ark and the animals came on in pears.
- Lot’s wife was a pillar of salt by day, but a ball of fire by night.
- The Jews were a proud people and throughout history they had trouble with unsympathetic Genitals.
- Sampson was a strongman who let himself be led astray by a jezebel like Delilah.
- Sampson slated the Philistines with the axe of apostles.
- Moses led the Hebrews to the Red Sea, where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients.
- Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Amendments.
- The first commandment was when Eve told Adam to eat the apple.
- The Fifth Commandment is humor thy mother and father.
- The Seventh Commandment is thou shalt not admit adultery.
- Moses died before he ever reached the UK. Then Joshua led the Hebrews in the Battle of Geritol.
- The greatest miracle in the Bible is when Joshua told his son to stand still and he obeyed him
- David was a Hebrew king skilled at playing the liar. He fought with the Finkelsteins, a race of people who lived in the biblical times.
- Solomon, one of David’s sons, has 300 wives and 700 porcupines.
FROM THE NEW TESTAMENT
- When the three wise guys from the East Side arrived, they found Jesus- in the manager. Jesus was born because Mary had an emaculate contraption.
- St. John, the Blacksmith, dumped water on his head.
- Jesus enunciated the Golden Rule, which says to do one to others before- they do one to you. He also explained, “Man doth not live by sweat alone.”
- It was a miracle when Jesus rose from the dead and managed to get the tombstone off the entrance.
- The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 decibels.
- A Christian should have only one wife. This is called monotony.
- The epistles were the wives of the apostles.
- One of the opossums was St. Matthew, who was by profession a taximan.
- When Mary heard that she was the Mother of Jesus, she sang the Magna Carta.
- St. Paul cavorted to Christianity. He preached holy acrimony, which is another name for marriage.
Eating Out With Jonathan
The waitress comes over and recognizes the family seated at the table – Mr & Mrs Smith and their little son. Jonathan.
She says, “Jonathan, what would you like?”
He says, “I’ll have a grilled cheese sandwich.”
She says, “Jonathan, I’m sorry, we don’t serve grilled cheese sandwiches.”
He says, “You have a grill, don’t you?”
She says, “Yes.”
He says, “You have cheese, don’t you?”
She says, “Yes.”
He says, “You have bread, don’t you?”
She says, “Yes.”
He says, “Well, I’ll have a grilled cheese sandwich.”
This kid is three years old!!
The waitress says, “Jonathan, I’ll go see if the chef will fix you a grilled cheese sandwich.”
She comes back in a little while and says, “Okay, Jonathan, the chef agreed to fix you a grilled cheese sandwich. I forgot to ask you, though, what you want to drink.”
He says, “I’ll have a milkshake.”
She says, “Jonathan, your parents have probably already told you we don’t serve milkshakes.” She was ready for him this time. She says, “Now, it is true we have milk. And it is true we have ice cream. But we don’t have the syrup.”
He says, “You have a car, don’t you?”