“Stop waiting for contentment, comfort, and happiness. The reality is that they are the ones waiting for you.” – Andy Andrews
The Realistic Miracle Diet
Breakfast: 1/2 grapefruit, 1 slice of whole wheat toast, 8 oz. low fat or skim milk
Lunch: 4 oz lean broiled chicken breast, 1 cup steamed spinach, 1 cup herbal tea, 1 Oreo cookie
Mid-Afternoon Snack: Rest of Oreos in pack, 2 pints Haagen Daz ice cream, 1 jar hot fudge sauce, nuts, cherries, whipped cream.
Dinner: 2 loaves garlic bread with cheese, Large sausage and cheese pizza, 4 cans or 1 large pitcher diet soda, 3 Milky Way candy bars
Late Evening News: Entire Sara Lee cheesecake eaten directly from freezer.
BASIC RULES FOR THIS DIET
- If you eat something and no one sees you eat it, it has no calories.
- If you drink diet soda with candy bars, the calories in the candy bar are cancelled out by the diet soda.
- When you eat with someone else, calories don’t count as long as you don’t eat more than they do.
- Food used for medicinal purposes never counts, such as hot chocolate, toast, and Sara Lee cheesecake.
- If you fatten up the people around you, then you look thinner.
- Movie-related foods do not have additional calories because they are part of the entire entertainment package and are not part of one’s personal intake. (Examples are Milk Duds, buttered popcorn, Junior Mints, Red Hots and Tootsie Rolls.)
- Cookie pieces contain no calories. The process of breaking cookies causes caloric leakage.
- Things licked off knives and spoons have no calories if you are in the process of preparing something. (Examples are peanut butter on a knife while making a sandwich or ice cream on a spoon while making a sundae.)
- Foods that have the same color have the same number of calories. For instance, spinach and pistachio ice cream, cauliflower and whipped cream.
- NOTE: Chocolate is a universal substitute and may be used in place of any other food.
Good Morning, I Am God
Good morning, I am God. Today, I will be handling all of your problems. Please remember that I do not need your help.
If the devil happens to deliver a situation to you that you cannot handle, DO NOT attempt to resolve it. Kindly put it in the SFJTD (Something for Jesus to Do) box. It will be addressed in My time, not necessarily yours.
Once the matter is placed into the box, do not hold on to it or attempt to remove it. Holding on or removal will delay the resolution of your problem. If it is a situation you think you are capable of handling, please consult Me in prayer to be sure that you are correct.
Because I do not sleep nor do I slumber, there is no need for you to lose any sleep. Rest my child. If you need to contact me, I am only a prayer away. Your Friend, God.
First Time in Church
A Well Taken Care of Today
How to Clean the Toilet
You Will Need: One Toilet, One Cat, Appropriate Amount of Cat Shampoo
Add the appropriate amount of shampoo to the toilet water, and put both lids up.
Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.
In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. (You may need to stand on the lid.) The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. (Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this).
Flush the toilet three or four times (this provides a “power-wash” and “rinse”).
Have someone open the door to the outside (Be sure that there are no people between the toilet and the outside door).
Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.
The now clean cat will rocket out of the toilet, and run outside where he will dry himself off. The toilet will be sparkling clean!
Sincerely, The Dog
Time to Make Repairs
Unarmed Self Defense
During a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self defense.
After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, “What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a large, sharp knife?”
The student replied, “Big ones!”
Meaningful Conversation
A farmer walked into an attorney’s office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, “May I help you?” The farmer said, “Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces.”
The attorney said, “Well, do you have any grounds?” The farmer said, “Yea, I got about 140 acres.”
The attorney said, “No, you don’t understand, do you have a case?” The farmer said, “No, I don’t have a Case, but I have a John Deere.”
The attorney said, “No, you don’t understand. I mean do you have a grudge?” The farmer said, “Yea, I got a grudge. That’s where I park my John Deere.”
The attorney said, “No sir, I mean do you have a suit?” The farmer said, “Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays.”
The exasperated attorney said, “Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?” The farmer said, “No sir, we both get up about 4:30.”
Finally, the attorney says, “Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?” And the farmer said, “Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her.”