“As long as the candle burns, there is time to make repairs.” – Rabbi Salanter
Unarmed Self Defense
During a practical exercise at a military police base, the instructor was giving the class instruction in unarmed self defense.
After he presented a number of different situations in which they might find themselves, he asked a student, “What steps would you take if someone were coming at you with a large, sharp knife?”
The student replied, “Big ones!”
Meaningful Conversation
A farmer walked into an attorney’s office wanting to file for a divorce.
The attorney asked, “May I help you?” The farmer said, “Yea, I want to get one of those dayvorces.”
The attorney said, “Well, do you have any grounds?” The farmer said, “Yea, I got about 140 acres.”
The attorney said, “No, you don’t understand, do you have a case?” The farmer said, “No, I don’t have a Case, but I have a John Deere.”
The attorney said, “No, you don’t understand. I mean do you have a grudge?” The farmer said, “Yea, I got a grudge. That’s where I park my John Deere.”
The attorney said, “No sir, I mean do you have a suit?” The farmer said, “Yes sir, I got a suit. I wear it to church on Sundays.”
The exasperated attorney said, “Well, sir, does your wife beat you up or anything?” The farmer said, “No sir, we both get up about 4:30.”
Finally, the attorney says, “Okay, let me put it this way. WHY DO YOU WANT A DIVORCE?” And the farmer said, “Well, I can never have a meaningful conversation with her.”
Error and Truth
Facing a Change
A Sizable Donation
When the minister picked up the phone, a special agent from the IRS was on the line. “Hello, is this the minister?” “Yes, this is.” “I’m calling to inquire about a member of your congregation, a Dr. Smith. Do you recognize the name?” “Yes, he is a member of our congregation. How can I be of service?”
“Well, on last year’s tax return, the doctor claimed that he made a sizable tax-deductible contribution to your church. Is this true?” “Well, I’ll have to have our bookkeeper verify this information for you. How much did Dr. Smith say he contributed?” “Twenty five thousand dollars,” answered the agent. “Can you tell me if that amount is true?” There is a long pause. “I’ll tell you what,” replied the minister… “Call back tomorrow. I’m sure it will be.”
Resisting All Change
An Attitude Adjustment
So there’s this man with a parrot. And his parrot swears like a sailor. He can swear for five minutes straight without repeating himself. The trouble is the guy who owns the parrot is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird’s foul mouth is driving him crazy.
One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, “QUIT IT!” But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, “That’s it. I’ll get you,” and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invectives that would make a veteran sailor blush.
At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds, there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly goes very quiet. At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt.
After a couple of minutes of silence, he’s so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man’s outstretched arm and says, “Awfully sorry about the trouble I’ve given you. I’ll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.” The man is astounded. He can’t understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, “By the way, what did the chicken do?”