“I must follow the people. Am I not their leader?” – Benjamin Disraeli, British Prime Minister (1868, 1874-1880)
Questions for Reference Librarians
These are actual questions that were asked of Reference Librarians in America and Canada (and you think your job is rough):
- “Do you have books here?”
- “Do you have a list of all the books written in the English language?”
- “Do you have a list of all the books I’ve ever read?”
- “Where is the reference desk?” This was asked of a person sitting at a desk who had, hanging above her head, a sign saying “REFERENCE DESK”!
- “I was here about three weeks ago looking at a cookbook that cost $39.95. Do you know which one it is?”
- “Which outlets in the library are appropriate for my hairdryer?”
- “Can you tell me why so many famous Civil War battles were fought on National Park sites?”
- “Do you have any books with photographs of dinosaurs?”
- “I need a color photograph of George Washington [Christopher Columbus, King Arthur, Moses, Socrates, etc.]”
- “I need a photocopy of Booker T. Washington’s birth certificate.”
- “I need to find out Ibid’s first name for my bibliography.”
- “Why don’t you have any books by Ibid? He’s written a lot of important stuff.”
- “I’m looking for information on carpal tunnel syndrome. I think I’m having trouble with it in my neck.”
- “Is the basement upstairs?” (Asked at First Floor Reference Desk)
- “I am looking for a list of laws that I can break that would send me back to jail for a couple of months.”
Thou Shalt Not Kill
I always thought there’s one commandment that Moses brought down from the mountain that I could never break:
THOU SHALT NOT KILL.
Inconceivable that I would use a gun, a knife, my bare hands, or anything to actually kill someone!
But, what about…
- killing someone’s joy or enthusiasm?
- killing someone’s faith in himself, herself, or others?
- killing someone’s spirit?
- killing their reputation?
- killing their hopes or dreams?
Not a gun or a knife, but a look, a snicker, a comment, or a lack of comment. Killing with a ball point pen or a sharp tongue…
It may take them 37 or 53 years to die, but they had been killed already.
Satan’s Beatitudes
If the devil, whom we don’t hear much about today, were to write his Beatitudes, they might go something like this:
- “Blessed are those who are too tired, too busy, too distracted to spend an hour once a week with their fellow Christians in Church, they are my best workers.
- Blessed are those Christians who wait to be asked and expect to be thanked, I can use them.
- Blessed are the touchy, with a bit of luck they may stop going to Church, they are my missionaries.
- Blessed are those who are very religious but get on everyone’s nerves, they are mine forever.
- Blessed are the troublemakers, they shall be called my children.
- Blessed are those who have no time to pray, they are easy prey for me.
- Blessed are the complainers, I’m all ears for them.
- Blessed are you when you read this and think it is about other people and not yourself, I’ve got you.”
Hotel Soap Opera
An actual correspondence that actually occurred between a London hotel’s staff and one of its guests.
——————–
Dear Maid,
Please do not leave any more of those little bars of soap in my bathroom since I have brought my own bath-sized Dial. Please remove the six unopened little bars from the shelf under the medicine chest and another three in the shower soap dish. They are in my way.
Thank you,
S. Berman
——————–
Dear Room 635,
I am not your regular maid. She will be back tomorrow, Thursday, from her day off. I took the 3 hotel soaps out of the shower soap dish as you requested. The 6 bars on your shelf I took out of your way and put on top of your Kleenex dispenser in case you should change your mind. This leaves only the 3 bars I left today which my instructions from the management is to leave 3 soaps daily. I hope this is satisfactory.
Kathy, Relief Maid
——————–
Dear Maid — I hope you are my regular maid.
Apparently Kathy did not tell you about my note to her concerning the little bars of soap. When I got back to my room this evening I found you had added 3 little Camay soaps to the shelf under my medicine cabinet. I am going to be here in the hotel for two weeks and have brought my own bath-size Dial so I won’t need those 6 little Camays which are on the shelf. They are in my way when shaving, brushing teeth, etc. Please remove them.
S. Berman
——————–
Dear Mr. Berman,
My day off was last Wed. so the relief maid left 3 hotel soaps which we are instructed by the management. I took the 6 soaps which were in your way on the shelf and put them in the soap dish where your Dial was. I put the Dial in the medicine cabinet for your convenience. I didn’t remove the 3 complimentary soaps which are always placed inside the medicine cabinet for all new check-ins and which you did not object to when you checked in last Monday. Please let me know if I can of further assistance.
Your regular maid,
Dotty
——————–
Dear Mr. Berman,
The assistant manager, Mr. Kensedder, informed me this A.M. that you called him last evening and said you were unhappy with your maid service. I have assigned a new girl to your room. I hope you will accept my apologies for any past inconvenience. If you have any future complaints please contact me so I can give it my personal attention. Call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you.
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
——————–
Dear Miss Carmen,
It is impossible to contact you by phone since I leave the hotel for business at 7:45 AM and don’t get back before 5:30 or 6:00 PM. That’s the reason I called Mr. Kensedder last night. You were already off duty. I only asked Mr. Kensedder if he could do anything about those little bars of soap. The new maid you assigned me must have thought I was a new check-in today, since she left another 3 bars of hotel soap in my medicine cabinet along with her regular delivery of 3 bars on the bathroom shelf. In just 5 days here I have accumulated 24 little bars of soap. Why are you doing this to me?
S. Berman
——————–
Dear Mr. Berman,
Your maid, Kathy, has been instructed to stop delivering soap to your room and remove the extra soaps. If I can be of further assistance, please call extension 1108 between 8AM and 5PM. Thank you,
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
——————–
Dear Mr. Kensedder,
My bath-size Dial is missing. Every bar of soap was taken from my room including my own bath-size Dial. I came in late last night and had to call the bellhop to bring me 4 little Cashmere Bouquet soaps.
S. Berman
——————–
Dear Mr. Berman,
I have informed our housekeeper, Elaine Carmen, of your soap problem. I cannot understand why there was no soap in your room since our maids are instructed to leave 3 bars of soap each time they service a room. The situation will be rectified immediately. Please accept my apologies for the inconvenience.
Martin L. Kensedder, Assistant Manager
——————–
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Who the heck left 54 little bars of Camay in my room? I came in last night and found 54 little bars of soap. I don’t want 54 little bars of Camay. I want my ONE bar of bath-size Dial. Do you realize I have 54 bars of soap in here. All I want is my bath size Dial. Please give me back my bath-size Dial.
S. Berman
——————–
Dear Mr. Berman,
You complained of too much soap in your room so I had them removed. Then you complained to Mr. Kensedder that all your soap was missing so I personally returned them. The 24 Camays, which had been taken and the 3 Camays you are supposed to receive daily (sic). I don’t know anything about the 4 Cashmere Bouquets. Obviously your maid, Kathy, did not know I had returned your soaps so she also brought 24 Camays plus the 3 daily Camays. I don’t know where you got the idea this hotel issues bath-size Dial. I was able to locate some bath-size Ivory, which I left in your room.
Elaine Carmen, Housekeeper
——————–
Dear Mrs. Carmen,
Just a short note to bring you up-to-date on my latest soap inventory. As of today I possess
– On shelf under medicine cabinet – 18 Camay in 4 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
– On Kleenex dispenser – 11 Camay in 2 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 3.
– On bedroom dresser – 1 stack of 3 Cashmere Bouquet, 1 stack of 4 hotel-size Ivory, and 8 Camay in 2 stacks of 4.
– Inside medicine cabinet – 14 Camay in 3 stacks of 4 and 1 stack of 2.
– In shower soap dish – 6 Camay, very moist.
– On northeast corner of tub – 1 Cashmere Bouquet, slightly used.
– On northwest corner of tub – 6 Camays in 2 stacks of 3.
Please ask Kathy when she services my room to make sure the stacks are neatly piled and dusted. Also, please advise her that stacks of more than 4 have a tendency to tip. May I suggest that my bedroom window sill is not in use and will make an excellent spot for future soap deliveries. One more item, I have purchased another bar of bath-sized Dial which I am keeping in the hotel vault in order to avoid further misunderstandings.
S. Berman
Family Feud Answers
Here are some actual answers from contestants who have appeared on the game show Family Feud:
- Name something a blind person might use: a sword.
- Name a song with moon in the title: blue suede moon.
- Name a bird with a long neck: a penguin.
- Name an occupation where you need a torch: a burglar.
- Name a famous brother and sister: Bonnie and Clyde.
- Name an item of clothing worn by the Three Musketeers: a horse.
- Name something that floats in the bath: water.
- Name something you wear on the beach: a deck chair.
- Name something red: my cardigan.
- Name a famous cowboy: Buck Rogers.
- Name a famous royal: mail.
- Name a number you have to memorize: 7.
- Name something you do before going to bed: sleep.
- Name something you put on walls: roofs.
- Name something in the garden that’s green: a scarecrow.
- Name something that flies that doesn’t have an engine: dishes.
- Name something you might be allergic to: skiing.
- Name a famous bridge: the bridge over troubled waters.
- Name something a cat does: goes to the toilet.
- Name a continent: Italy.
- Name something you do in the bathroom: decorate.
- Name an animal you might see at the zoo: a dog.
- Name something associated with the police: pigs.
- Name a sign of the zodiac: April.
- Name something slippery: a con man.
- Name a kind of ache: a pancake.
- Name a food that can be brown or white: potato.
- Name a potato topping: jam.
- Name a famous Scotsman: Jock.
- Another famous Scotsman: Vinnie Jones.
- Name something with a hole in it: window.
- Name a non living object with legs: plant.
- Name a domestic animal: leopard.
- Name a part of the body beginning with ‘N’: knee.
- Name a way of cooking fish: cod.
- Name something you open other than a door: your bowels.
- Name something you clean: your sister.