Tauntisms.com

How bad a mistake can you make on your resume? Here are some real-life examples:

• “My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.”
• “Education: Curses in liberal arts, curses in computer science, curses in accounting.”
• “Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain store.”
• “Personal: Married, 1992 Chevrolet.”
• “I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse.”
• “I am a rabid typist.”
• “Created a new market for pigs by processing, advertising and selling a gourmet pig mail order service on the side.”
• “Exposure to German for two years, but many words are not appropriate for business.”
• “Proven ability to track down and correct erors.”
• “Personal interests: Donating blood. 15 gallons so far.”
• “I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely nothing and absolutely no one.”
• “References: None, I’ve left a path of destruction behind me.”
• “Strengths: Ability to meet deadlines while maintaining composer.”
• “Don’t take the comments of my former employer too seriously, they were unappreciative beggars and slave drivers.”
• “My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.”
• “I procrastinate–especially when the task is unpleasant.”
• “I am loyal to my employer at all costs…Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voicemail.”
• “Qualifications: No education or experience.”
• “Disposed of $2.5 billion in assets.”
• “Accomplishments: Oversight of entire department.”
• “Extensive background in accounting. I can also stand on my head!”
• “Cover letter: Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!”
• “Left Last Job: Responsibility makes me nervous.”
• “I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.”
• “Left Last Job: They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning.” Couldn’t work under those conditions.”
• “Left Last Job: Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.”
• “Left Last Job: I was working for my mom until she decided to move.”
• “Left Last Job: The company made me a scapegoat – just like my three previous employers.”
• “Job Responsibilities: While I am open to the initial nature of an assignment, I am decidedly disposed that it be so oriented as to at least partially incorporate the experience enjoyed heretofore and that it be configured so as to ultimately lead to the application of more rarefied facets of financial management as the major sphere of responsibility.”
• “I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.”
• “Special Requests: Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.”
• “Physical Disabilities: Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.”
• “Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.”
• “Work Experience: Dealing with customers’ conflicts that arouse.”
• “Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.”
• “I am extremely loyal to my present firm, so please don’t let them know of my immediate availability.”
• “Qualifications: I am a man filled with passion and integrity, and I can act on short notice. I’m a class act and do not come cheap.”
• “I intentionally omitted my salary history. I’ve made money and lost money. I’ve been rich and I’ve been poor. I prefer being rich.”
• “Note: Please don’t misconstrue my 14 jobs as ‘job-hopping’. I have never quit a job.”
• “Personal: I’m married with 9 children. I don’t require prescription drugs.”
• “Number of dependents: 40.”
• “Marital Status: Often. Children: Various.”
• “Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.”
• “Your requirements match the responsibilites of my present job precisely, so I will be glad to do do again.”
• “My intensity and focus are at inordinately high levels, and my ability to complete projects on time is unspeakable.”
• “Work History: Performed brain wave tests, 1879-1981.”
• “After receiving advice from several different angels, I have decided to pursue a new line of work.”
• “Accounting cleric.”
• “As indicted, I have over five years of experience analyzing investments.”
• “Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details.”
• “Accomplishments: Completed 11 years of high school.”
• “Fired because I fought for lower pay.”
• “Size of employer: Very tall, probably over 6’5″.”
• “Please disregard the enclosed resume–it is terribly out of date.”
• “Finished 8th in my high school graduating class of 10.”
• “I am relatively intelligent, obedient and loyal as a puppy.”
• “My compensation should be at least equal to my age.”
• “Reason for Leaving: It had to do with the IRS, FBI and SEC.”
• “Reason for Leaving: My boss said the end of the world is near.”
• “Reason for Leaving: The owner gave new meaning to the word ‘paranoia.’ I prefer to elaborate privately.”

Originally posted 2016-02-21 20:48:17.