“I cna ytpe 300 wrods pre mniuet!”
Jesus and Satan were having an ongoing argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering.
Finally fed up, God said, “That’s it! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours and from those results, I will judge who does the better job.”
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports.
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was as fast as can be.
Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured and of course, the power went off.
Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld.
Jesus just sighed.
Finally, the electricity came back on and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming, “It’s gone! It’s all gone! I lost everything when the power went out!”
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work. Satan observed this and became irate.
“Wait!” he screamed. “That’s not fair! He cheated! How come he has all his work and I don’t have any”?
God just shrugged and said, “Jesus saves.”
As the road ahead seems rugged, And the path is getting steep, I feel that I can’t make it, So my heart begins to weep. Then I turn to see who’s coming, To join me on my way. I see it is my Lord, And He slowly turns to say,
“Lean on me, When you have no strength to stand. When you feel you’re going under, Hold tighter to My hand. Lean on me, When your heart begins to bleed. When you know I’m all you have, Then you’ll find I’m all you need.”
Then when I felt that no one cared, If I lived or died, And no one bothered asking why I’d go alone to cry. When the burden got so heavy, I could barely face the day, I felt His arms around me As I gently heard Him say,
“Lean on me, When you have no strength to stand. When you feel you’re going under, Hold tighter to My hand. Lean on me, When your heart begins to bleed. When you come to know I’m all you have, Then you’ll find I’m all you need.”
“Diabolical forces are formidable. These forces are eternal, and they exist today. The fairy tale is true. The devil exists. God exists. And for us, as people, our very destiny hinges upon which one we elect to follow.” – Ed Warren
A little boy was caught swearing by his teacher.
“Jeffrey,” she said, “you shouldn’t use that kind of language. Where did you hear it?”
“My daddy said it,” he responded.
“Well, it doesn’t matter,” explained the teacher, “you don’t even know what it means.”
“I do, so!” Jeffrey corrected. “It means the car won’t start.”
“For me, a lovely day is any day I wake up.” – Bernie S. Siegel
An old farmer went to the city one weekend and attended the big city church. He came home and his wife asked him how it was. “Well,” said the farmer, “it was good. They did something different, however. They sang praise choruses instead of hymns.” “Praise choruses?” said his wife. “What are those?” “Oh, they’re OK. They are sort of like hymns, only different,” said the farmer. “Well, what’s the difference?” asked his wife.
The farmer said, “Well, it’s like this – If I were to say to you: “Martha, the cows are in the corn”‘ – well, that would be a hymn. If on the other hand, I were to say to you: ‘Martha, Martha, Martha, Oh Martha, MARTHA, MARTHA, the cows, the big cows, the brown cows, the black cows the white cows, the black and white cows, the COWS, COWS, COWS are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn, are in the corn, the CORN, CORN, CORN.’ Then, if I were to repeat the whole thing two or three times, well, that would be a praise chorus.”
The next weekend, his nephew, a young, new Christian from the city came to visit and attended the local church of the small town. He went home and his mother asked him how it was. “Well,” said the young man, “it was good. They did something different however. They sang hymns instead of regular songs.” “Hymns?” asked his mother. “What are those?” “Oh, they’re OK. They are sort of like regular songs, only different,” said the young man. “Well, what’s the difference?” asked his mother.
The young man said, “Well, it’s like this – If I were to say to you: ‘Martha, the cows are in the corn’ – well, that would be a regular song. If on the other hand, I were to say to you: ‘Oh Martha, dear Martha, hear thou my cry, Inclinest thine ear to the words of my mouth, Turn thou thy whole wondrous ear by and by, To the righteous, inimitable, glorious truth. For the way of the animals who can explain, There in their heads is no shadow of sense, Hearkenest they in God’s sun or His rain, Unless from the mild, tempting corn they are fenced. Yea those cows in glad bovine, rebellious delight, Have broke free their shackles, their warm pens eschewed, Then goaded by minions of darkness and night, They all my mild Chilliwack sweet corn have chewed. So look to the bright shining day by and by, Where all foul corruptions of earth are reborn, Where no vicious animals make my soul cry, And I no longer see those foul cows in the corn.’ Then if I were to do only verses one, three and four and do a key change on the last verse, well that would be a hymn.”
A second grader recited for the teacher the story of David using a slingshot to kill the giant Goliath.
“What does that teach us?”, the teacher asked. The boy replied, “Duck.”
“Those who do too much for their children will soon find they can do nothing with their children. So many children have had so much done for them, that they are almost done in.” – Neal A. Maxwell
“Success comes in CANS, failure in CAN’TS.”