“It is my heart-warm and world-embracing Christmas hope and aspiration that all of us, the high, the low, the rich, the poor, the admired, the despised, the loved, the hated, the civilized, the savage (every man and brother of us all throughout the whole earth), may eventually be gathered together in a heaven of everlasting rest and peace and bliss, except the inventor of the telephone.” – Mark Twain
A man walked into a doctor’s office. “What do you have?” the receptionist asked. “Shingles,” he replied. She told him to sit down. Soon a nurse called him and asked, “What do you have?” “Shingles,” he replied.
She took his blood pressure, weight, and complete medical history. Then she took him to a room and told him to remove all of his clothes. After a few minutes the doctor came in and asked, “What do you have?” “Shingles,” the man told him.
The doctor looked him up and down and said, “Where?” “Out on the truck. Where do you want me to unload them?”
On the 12th day of the Eurocentrically imposed midwinter festival, my potential-acquaintance-abuse-survivor gave to me,
- TWELVE males reclaiming their inner warrior through ritual drumming,
- ELEVEN pipers piping (plus the 18-member pit orchestra made up of members in good standing of the Musicians Equity Union as called for in their union contract even though they will not be asked to play a note…)
- TEN melanin-deprived testosterone-poisoned scions of the patriarchal ruling class system leaping,
- NINE persons engaged in rhythmic self-expression,
- EIGHT economically disadvantaged female persons stealing milk-products from enslaved Bovine-Americans,
- SEVEN endangered swans swimming on federally protected wetlands,
- SIX enslaved fowl-Americans producing stolen nonhuman animal products,
- FIVE golden symbols of culturally sanctioned enforced domestic incarceration, (NOTE: after a member of the Animal Liberation Front threatened to throw red paint at my computer, the calling birds, French hens and partridge have been reintroduced to their native habitat. To avoid further animal-American enslavement, the remaining gift package has been revised.)
- FOUR hours of recorded whale songs,
- THREE deconstructionist poets,
- TWO Sierra Club calendars printed on recycled processed tree carcasses,
- And a Spotted Owl activist chained to an old-growth pear tree.
“People often say that ‘beauty is in the eye of the beholder,’ and I say that the most liberating thing about beauty is realizing that you are the beholder. This empowers us to find beauty in places where others have not dared to look, including inside ourselves.” – Salma Hayek
“We spend the first twelve months of our children’s lives teaching them to walk and talk and the next twelve telling them to sit down and shut up.” – Phyllis Diller
“Some people talk in their sleep. Lecturers talk while other people sleep.” – Albert Camus
When you are exhausted by interruptions, try to remember that their very frequency may indicate how valuable your life is.
Only the people who are full of help and strength are burdened by other people’s needs.
The interruptions which we so often complain about demonstrate how important we truly are.
The greatest condemnation that anybody could incur – and it is a danger to guard against – is to be so independent, so unhelpful, that nobody ever interrupts us and we are left comfortably alone.
A 4-year-old boy who was asked to return thanks before Christmas dinner. The family members bowed their heads in expectation.
He began his prayer, thanking God for all his friends, naming them one by one. Then he thanked God for Mommy, Daddy, brother, sister, Grandma, Grandpa, and all his aunts and uncles. Then he began to thank God for the food.
He gave thanks for the turkey, the dressing, the fruit salad, the cranberry sauce, the pies, the cakes, even the Cool Whip. Then he paused, and everyone waited–and waited.
After a long silence, the young fellow looked up at his mother and asked, “If I thank God for the broccoli, won’t He know that I’m lying?”
“When I was a boy of fourteen my father was so ignorant I could hardly stand to have the old man around. But when I got to be twenty-one I was astounded at how much the old man learned in seven years.” – Mark Twain
“A person who can kneel to God can stand up to anything!”